My Christmas Carol Song List - Lyrics by The Fertility Grinch

Christmas.  It's been said that It's the Most Wonderful Time....of the Year.  A time when Christians around the world celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ....Away in a Manager...on a Silent Night.  Holy Night.  A time when families and friends join together to Deck the Halls and watch Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire.  A time when children are told that Santa Claus is Coming to Town.  And, for those who are like me, a time when you seem to think you can do everything in that last week before Christmas. 

As I flew like a flash last week finishing my shopping, wrapping, baking several dozen coconut cake balls, reindeer balls, a coconut cake, a few dozen cookies, along with divinity and fudge (about 15 pounds worth) - I think I must have inhaled too much sugar. For those who have ever made candy, you know how tricky (and sometimes sticky) it can be.  I think my brain even cooked to the hard-crack stage. 

I love to cook.  I especially love to bake and make sweets.  And I love to give these treats to friends and family who appreciate them.  Some people don't appreciate it though and have actually given the homemade treats back to me.   I'm not certain if that's indicative of their devotion to their diet or just poor manners - I tend to believe the latter, but that's a topic of another blog.  Either way, such actions feel about the same as when sugar syrup boiling at 180 degrees splatters on me. It hurts.  To be sure,  those peope will be on my naughty list next year. 

I made one new year resolution in 2011 - to finish more things that I started.  So while cooking this week, I found it an opportune time to finish a bottle of Moscato, some vodka and cranberry juice, and some Bailey's Irish Cream.  I'm not a lush by any means, but those bottles were taking up much needed real estate in the fridge - and I had to do what I had to do to free up some space.  That said, I enjoyed a few hours in the kitchen each night last week baking and preparing my Christmas goodies.  Perhaps I was encouraged somewhat by the alcohol, but I sang Christmas carols (loudly) as I baked.   Traditional ones.  Pop ones.  Parodied Ones...Bob Rivers is my favorite - The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen cracks me up every time I hear it.  Only my dog can attest to how badly I sounded - and fortunately he can't speak.

As I sipped and sang, I thought of the previous few months and how I was like a little girl waiting on Santa to come down the chimney to bring me the gift I had asked for - a real, live baby.  I was a good girl all year (that's my story and I'm sticking to it) and deserved to get what I had asked for.  But then, on Christmas Day, I awoke only to find I didn't get what I had asked for.  The Fertility Grinch had visited my Whohaville...again. 

Thinking about how another infertile Christmas was upon me, compounded by the sugar fumes & vodka, I came up with my own personal Christmas carol song list. I think it's most appropriate that these would be carols because the word "carol" actually means part of the song is repeated over and over.  I know that there's a whole choir of woman around the world who could join me in song.  Some of the titles the Fertility Grinch wrote:

• Here I come a waddling (Each round of IVF has left weight that I can't shake.)
• Do you Hear what I hear?  (I swear the hormones made me a little nutty.)
• All I want for Christmas is a BFP (big fat positive) on an HPT (home pregnancy test)
• Let it Go. Let it Go. Let it Go.  (This is what insensitive people say I need to do.)
• We Wish it were a Fertile Christmas
• Santa (bring me) A Baby
• Still. Still. Still....not pregnant.
• God Rest Ye Weary Uterus

I found myself saying "I'm doing fine" so often after IVF #4 didn't work that I found

"Carol of Intimacy" on Saturday Night Live to be quite an appropriate Christmas carol too.  Fortunately, I will have another chance to re-write the lyrics to my Christmas carols in 2012. I don't expect the Fertility Grinch will be visiting my Whohaville again.  You're a Mean One ...Mr. Grinch.  We look forward to beginning our next IVF cycle in March using a new donor. 

Maybe this time next year, we'll be singing the Hallelujah Chorus.  Hoping that everyone had a wonderful Christmas and holiday season!   I'm looking forward to what the new year will bring!  Here's to Hope for a better one. 

Reasons to be Thankful

Three days before Thanksgiving, I learned that my 4th IVF cycle failed.  I honestly found it hard to find something for which to be thankful in the midst of my heartbreak.  However it didn't take long for me to realize how thankful I am for the strength, love and support my husband, my family, my friends, my doctor & his practice, my co-workers, an my Junior League sisters.  Without all of them - and you - I don't think I would have been able to rebound as quickly.  Thank you for your love and your continued thoughts and prayers.   If you're wondering why there's a picture of a mule, stay with me....

You are reading this blog for some reason.  Maybe I've struck a cord in your heart and you have a better understanding about what people with infertility deal with.  Perhaps you are considering IVF, have done IVF, know someone who has done IVF, had no clue what all was involved with IVF, or just have some crazy curiosity about IVF....or maybe you just like me and my story.  And that's a perfectly great reason too!  

While I've wanted to add more to my blog, I've felt like my head and my heart just had nothing much to say.  And my funnybone was oddly quiet.  The normal, everyday stuff which I often find so  much humor in just wasn't as funny to me.  I had no stories of stirrups, injections, or earworms laying their song eggs in my head. 

Before going any further, I should explain.  It started as a "Lord, I am so thankful for...." conversation.  I went through my list of people who make my life better and more interesting.  That was followed by how thankful I am for Houston Fertility Institute and Dr. Griffith because I will get another chance to do IVF again using an egg donor - a different one though, and at a greatly reduced cost.  Thoughts wandered to much less significant things that I was thankful for as well - you know, things like the printer actually working when I was in a rush to get out the door the other day, Starbucks' Skinny Carmel Macchiato, that I can order a lot of Christmas presents online and not have to do the crowded mall (or maul) thing that I despise...well, you see where this was going.

And then my funnybone woke up.  It was thankful too....

• Thankful that all of the IVF expenses may be a tax write-off this year!  
• Thankful that even though my body could be in better shape (although, round is a shape) - my uterus is in excellent shape. 
• Thankful that we aren't looking for a sperm donor.
• Thankful that I didn't have any baby showers to attend this last month. 
• Thankful that I don't have to do those horrible Progesterone in Oil injections anymore!
• Thankful that I had a still had reason to have gained weight around Thanksgiving and that it wasn't just me eating too much.  (That's my story and I'm sticking to it!)
• Thankful that I can have caffeine again!

Looking at the big-picture weeks later, I realize I  have much for which to be thankful.  It's challenging to not become focused on the things I don't have - namely children to take to see Santa, the energy (and the figure) that I did when I was 25, and to be 42 with children going off to Texas A&M like many of my friends do (I have smart friends).  But I do have resilience and am stubborn as a mule at times. (Now you get the picture above?)  And for those qualities, I am very thankful.  Without them, this journey would have long since ended.  No one promised this journey through infertility would be easy.  But I've gotten really good at putting my feet in the stirrups  (though not the kind attached to a saddle) and am ready to mount up on this horse again and give it another go!

Until then, I'll try to post more often - I'm working on my 12 Days of Infertility song next.  Merry Christmas to my Christian friends, Happy Hanukkah to my Jewish friends - and to eveyrone else - Happy Holidays.  I'm looking forward to celebrating Christmas with my family as we honor the birth of Christ, our Lord. 

And the Journey Continues....

Have you ever just had a gut feeling about something and then were crushed to find out you were horribly wrong? If so, then you can imagine how I felt when THE call came in at 11:15 this morning.  You see, my blood test was actually today and not next Monday. I was so confident that this 4th round of IVF had worked that I didn't tell anyone that the prenancy test was today (except my husband).  I wanted to be able to surprise everyone at Thanksgiving with the wonderful news.  Unfortunately that won't be the case - at least not this Thanksgiving.

Usually (at least with my other 3 IVF attempts) THAT call comes in the afternoon.  I have heard from my friends who tested positive that their calls came prior to lunch, so when the phone rang at 11:15, I was excited.  But the moment I heard the nurse's voice, I knew it wasn't the outcome we had hoped and prayed for.  "Kelly," the nurse said softly, "I am so sorry, but the test was negative." 

I didn't think I listened to anything else the nurse told me, nor do I recall ending the call.  Instead I ran inside and went straight to bed and sobbed for several hours.  Despite the endless consolation offered by my husband, nothing helped.  I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed some more.  I think I soaked my pillow. 

After about an hour, Michael called the family and told them of the news.  They were all equally as stunned as I was that the test was negative - and as heartbroken.  Michael and I so very fortunate to have such strong families to help us through such difficult times.  For that I am so thankful. 

I'm digging deep today for strength.  I am resilient and VERY stubborn.  Mr. Countis, my all-time favorite teacher, told me that he didn't think I could play a Category I piano arrangement at UIL competition.  After all, I played French Horn - not the piano.  I guess he knew that telling me I couldn't do something would only make me try harder.  A month later, I returned home from that competition with the top award.  Yes, stubborness is a good quality to have if you are infertile.  In fact, it's a requirement.  As I've said before, infertility is not for the faint-hearted.

My devotional reading yesterday said "Thank Me for everything; trust in Me at all times."  This morning's said "Thank Me throughout this day for My Presence and My Peace."   It's almost like the devotionals were foreshadowing of what was coming.  It's very difficult to be thankful when the outcome isn't what we had hoped.  Of course we ask for God's will to be done in our lives, but I can't understand why His will isn't for us to be parents right now.  But I have to trust that He has a better plan in store for me.

I have an amazing doctor.  He called this evening to see how I was doing. We spent 25 minutes discussing what went wrong and our next steps and have a meeting with him tomorrow to come up with a plan.    Ultimately, according to him we "just got a bad batch of eggs this time", and that it's "extremely unusual for egg donors to not work" - and we have an "extremely high liklihood of it working next time."   As he reminded me, "You've already paid for the experience, we're here to help you achieve the outcome you desire."

If you know me, you know that I'm a planner. My co-workers joke that when I do get pregnant, I'll likely draw up a logic model to plan it all out.  Yes.  I probably will.  But for now, we'll meet with the doctor to talk about which donors would be the best for us based on what they know about the donors.  The doctor said that he'd waive his personal fees and will work with us on all the others.  This speaks volumes of Houston Fertility Institute, and particularly of Dr. Griffith.

It's now been 11 hours since THAT call came in.  I've quit sobbing - for now.  I have come to terms with the negative outcome that today brought. This is just a bump in the road along the way on this journey.  It's not the first, but I hopefully it'll be the last.  I'm NOT giving up hope.  I'm holding on so tightly that I'll probably get rope burn.  

   

Show Me a Sign!

Have  you ever found yourself waiting for a sign?  I have.  In fact, I've been waiting for several signs for 13 days since the embryo transfer.  I've Googled every possible combination of words related to early pregnancy signs as if somewhere out in cyberspace I would be able to confirm pregnancy.   When I read that nipples get darker - I practically ran to the mirror to check.  Surely there is some sign other than waiting....

All this waiting combined with the infertility drugs and hormones is making me just *a little* crazy. For the past 13 days I've become a voyuer on several IVF and pregnancy forums.  I'm like a stalker looking for signs.  I cyberstalk other women who have recently had IVF to see what signs and symptoms they're experiencing while they wait for their blood test.  

Mine is a long wait.  For some it's just 10 days and for some it's two weeks an then for others the day you're supposed to have it done is Thanksgiving and the clinic is closed and you are out of town so you have to wait until the following Monday.  That's my story.  I'm a lady in waiting.

Some women can't stand the wait and choose to POAS (pee on a stick).  This is known amongst infertiles as "the devil stick" and despite the fact that with infertility treatments they are often wrong, many women report that they still pee on lots of sticks hoping for that faint pink line.  Can't really blame them - I like pink too. Figuring it couldn't hurt to pee on a few sticks, I went outside and found some.  I didn't see a faint pink line on any of them though - so I'm not sure if I'm using the right type of stick.  I think most of them were oak.  Maybe I should have used pecan.  The sweetgum sticks are for gender detection.  The stick on the bottom photo is for predicting a boy - see the ball?

Since the embryo transfer I've been watching for each and every sign or symptom to indicate that I am pregnant:

• Implantation bleeding - This would be an indicator that the embryo implanted.  Some people spot and others don't.  I didn't. 
• Delayed period - Given the dose of progesterone I'm on, this is artificially delayed. At least I can quit inspecting the toliet paper as closely as I was for the dreaded monthly visitor.  
• Swollen breasts - Uhmmmm....for me, that's a bit hard to tell.  But the girls are tender - again could be caused by the elephant dosage of estrogen I'm taking.
• Fatigue and tiredness - I have noticed I fatigue easily.  Couldn't even keep up with my parents at Sam's Club yesterday - and they both have bad knees and hips.  Then again, it could be the progesterone causing me to be out of breath so easily.
• Nausea - I am much more aware of odors.  Things that aren't usually offensive smells make nauseated.  I nearly vomited at the smell of McDonalds and Chick-fil-A that some co-workers brought into the office last week.  (Usually the smell of grease only makes me gag.)  The next day, the smell of chocolate chip cookies baking caused me to dry heave.  If being pregnant means chocolate makes me gag, then God is playing a bad trick on me.  However, it could be the estrogen.
• Headache - I have had intermittent headaches.  But this could be caused by caffeine withdrawal.
• Peeing a lot - I already pee a lot.  How can I tell the difference?
• And the list goes on...

I even pray for signs that I'm pregnant.  I have an odd (for me) peacefulness about me and am not overly anxious or nervous.  I know that God has this in His ultimate control and knows the outcome already.  I just which I could get a sign. 

A rare optimism surrounds me.  Please continue to pray for a positive outcome. I feel good about it and know that if the result isn't positive that it'll be a hard fall.  We'll need lots of prayers to be able accept the outcome and find a way to be thankful regardless.

In the meantime, I'm thankful for so many things - #604, my amazing reproductive endocrinologist, the science that exists to make it all work, the ability to afford a 4th round of IVF, incredible friends who have prayed and cheered for me unlike anything you could believe, a family that has walked nearly every step of this journey with me, a husband who loves me despite my imperfections and most of all my faith in God, the Almighty Creator. Without this faith my journey would have ended a long time ago.

Happy Thanksgiving friends and loved ones.  We have much to be thankful for!

Until next time - gobble 'till you wobble!

You Said WHAT???

Today while out shopping, I ran into an old friend whom I hadn't seen in a while.  While catching up on life, she asked THE question:  "So - do you have any children?"  Sure - it's a fair enough question, and I've learned how to deal with it without busting into tears....at least not until after the person walks away.  I'm still working on how to attend baby showers without sitting in the hostess' bathroom sobbing because the shower is not for me.   

I shared a few highlights of my struggle with infertility over the years - the 3 failed IVF treatments, the near-death experience, the lost ovary, and that I was currently waiting to see if the 4th IVF cycle worked.  Knowing that people really don't want to hear my sob story, I try to keep a humorous spin on things so that it doesn't cause anyone to feel uncomfortable just because I had to answer THE question they asked.  After all, just saying "no - we don't have children" creates a whole cascade of questions to include remarks like "well, at least you don't have to go school shopping....to t-ball practices...tap, jazz, or ballet lessons...." 

Yeah, at least I don't have THOSE hassles to deal with.  I much prefer infertility treatments by far.  I look forward to "the wand" (see right photo) and love having blood drawn every other day for several weeks.  I enjoy paying out-of-pocket for these non-covered by insurance procedures.  And can I tell you,  these progesterone in oil injections that I've been getting every day in my ass for 16 days feels incredible!   But at least I don't have to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches everyday for lunch....

Over the years I've heard perhaps every single cliche that people say to women who are trying to overcome their fertility challenged status.  These are a few of the ones that irk me the most. 





View from balcony of recent vacation


• "Relax.  Quit trying and don't think about it."  Oh, so THAT'S what the problem is. Yeah, I'll do that. I'm sure that will cause my ovary to regrow and generate new eggs.  Honey, let's go on vacation...again.

• "Maybe it's because you are not ready."  I'm 42 years old and have tried to conceive for the last 10+ years of my life. I've been hormonally manipulated, scoped, poked and prodded more times than I can count.  Yep. You're right. I'm just not ready....I'm having too much fun with infertility treatments.  

• "You will get pregnant one day." Yeah, my Mom told me in 5th grade (when I was already getting hips, a tummy, and didn't need a training bra) that one day I'd appreciate my curves.     She didn't tell me WHAT day though.  I'm still waiting. 

• "Maybe it's nature's way of telling you that you're not meant to be a mom." You think that's really it??  Come on people, didn't your mother teach you how to be considerate of others' feelings?  Guess not, because then no one would say this or the next one.

• "Just adopt.  THEN you'll get pregnant."   This is perhaps the most painful one I've heard.  Do you really think adoption is a treatment for infertility?   So if you say this to someone who is pregnancy-challenged and then get the ever-living crap slapped out of you....don't say I didn't warn you. 

Surely my friend didn't realize how hurtful her innocent "advice" to me was.  I politely smiled and replied that I wouldn't waste any time thinking of her tidbit.  I think she thought I was paying her a compliment.  I wasn't. 

When you find yourself tempted to offer advice to someone who you know is trying to conceive, please take mine - first consider how some of these types of well-intended statements may come across.  I don't know what Dear Abby would advise, and Emily Post would probably recommend that such issues are private and shouldn't be discussed the the first place.  


What your fertility challenged friend wants to hear is that you care and that your thoughts, prayers and best wishes are with her.  Tell her to keep you informed of any prayer requests and that you'll be part of her cheerleading squad to encourage her along the way. 


Each day I am encouraged and reminded by my friends and family who read this blog that I am being lifted up in their prayers and that they are cheering for me and #1.  To all of you who read this - please know that I am sincerely appreciative of your prayers and encouragement.  It's still going to be a little while before I know if it worked, so until then - keep up with those prayers and cheers! 

No Stress & Legs Up!

"No stress & legs up!"   By far the most common bit of advice I've received from many pregnant, recently pregnant and have been pregnant friends and family.  In fact, my brother said I needed one of these things to the right - an inversion table.  Uhm...that might be taking it a little too far, but it might work!      

While in the procedure room during the embryo transfer, which took less than 15 minutes total, I thought to ask my doctor about the "legs up" advice.  He said that once the embryo was in place, it wasn't going to just fall out.  But I was thinking he hadn't heard me coughing lately which feels like my whole uterus is going to fall out. 



I think this qualifies as legs up!

So I figured that I'd give the "legs up" advice a try.   I don't think there's any science behind the "legs up" advice other than this - if your legs are up, that means you can't be up running around doing laundry, cooking dinner, going to work, shopping, exercising, or any of those types of things that might bounce your uterus around a bit.  As a Behavioral Scientist, this appeals to me.  Actually, the whole - lay in bed for a few days and have someone else do everything else for you - is quite nice.  I'm blessed that I have Mom here to help me out while my husband enjoys deer hunting.  And when Mom gets exhausted from my keeping up with my feeding schedule (have you ever taken a high dosage of Prednisone?? OMG it makes you crazy hungry!), then my Mother-in-Law has offered to come help. 

Since I haven't posted anything since Monday prior to the embryo transfer, here's how it went.  We arrived about an hour early and waited...and waited...and then waited some more.  My instructions said I needed to have a full bladder (helps ensure the best ultrasound image).  Two hours after needing to pee really badly, I was relieved when they called me back.  Anxious if for no other reason but to be able to pee soon. 

Shortly after changing into my now very familiar garb (with the gown open to the back), along with the booties and hair thingy, and my husband wearing a zip-up painter's jumpsuit, booties and hair thingy - Dr. Griffith came in to review how our eggs had grown and discuss the plan.  Of the 8 eggs retrieved, they all fertilized, but 4 arrested before making it to the 2 cell stage and didn't technically "count" and, 3 others grew but weren't where they really needed to be. However #1 (they number each fertilized egg) was good.  It didn't make it to the blastocyst stage as hoped by day 5 post retrieval, but it was still good-looking.  He compared it to a baby which should be walking at 9 months and doesn't walk until 12 months.  He advised that we only transfer the 1 good one since transferring the other 3 less than good ones could increase inflammation and hinder #1's growth.  (End of embryology lesson). 

I have to admit - I was really disappointed. I wanted 4 perfect blastocysts to select from. I wanted the option of transferring 1 or 2 now and save the others for another time.  Afterwards, we proceeded to the very sterile procedure room.  Dr. Griffith, the embryologist, and the super awesome nurse, Susan, all were ready to go.  Susan, obviously a Christian, gave me the encouragement I needed at that time.  They all quickly went to work.  As the embryologist placed the ultrasound wand (with the warmed jelly which I was grateful for) directly on my stomach over my bladder and pressed down, I thought I was going to explode!  In the ultrasound monitor, all that you could see was my very full bladder.  "Good job, Kelly", they all said as though I had won a prize.  Yay me, I thought.  

The doctor did a practice run first with an empty catheter to be able to see exactly where he wanted to place the embryo.  Then he did the same thing again, but this time, with the loaded catheter.  We could see on the monitor exactly what was happening.  Both the doctor and embryologist seemed very pleased with the placement of #1 and said that they had seen many, many embryos of this same quality have positive outcomes.  So we're hopeful.

As the procedure was ending, I asked the doctor how Donor #604 was doing.  He looked up from what he was doing with an almost shocked look upon his face.  He said that in all of his years of doing this, that no one had ever asked about the donor's well-being.  The embryologist and the nurse both agreed - they'd never been asked that either.  I was relieved to know that she was doing well.  Later, as I reflected on this, I guess it was due to my own experience of having a botched egg retrieval that made me ask.  I'd hate for someone to ever go through what I did.  Note to anyone contemplating IVF:  ask your doctor what his/her stats are regarding botched egg retrievals.  All the consent forms you'll sign will tell you that it's extremely rare and highly unlikely...but me and my one ovary are proof otherwise. 

I am thankful to God for #1.  While we didn't have the number of embryos we had wanted to select from, I can't dwell on that.  I am joyful and hopeful that #1 will be all it takes. It does only take one - and we've got #1.  For those who (not unlike myself) would rejoice with the news that I'm pregnant with twins - it's still very possible.  One egg can split and became identical twins...so Christina, keep praying!   

My Dad has always said I was his #1 - is it because I was born 7 years earlier than my brother?  Perhaps. Or maybe he loves me the most. Yeah...that's probably it.  Just kidding, Randall.  But THIS #1 will truly redefine what being #1 means.

So for my cheerleaders and fans out there  - keep praying that #1 continues to grow and implant.  Today #1 should be busy trying to hatch out of its shell and attach to my uterus. Implantation should begin soon.  I've got the perfect place waiting for it to nestle into. 

Grow #1!

Grow #1!

Grow #1!



My dog is good at bed rest.

In the meantime, I'm getting really good at this bed rest thing.  It's strict bed rest for three days - only getting up to tend to personal care and sitting up briefly to eat.  I have one more day to go.  Even my dog has taken the bed rest order seriously.  Good boy.

The next few weeks will be filled with anxiousness.  Soon the early pregnancy symptoms will set-in (if it works) which unfortunately mimics PMS.  The way I see it - I'll be imaging things one way or the other.  I guess that's when the real crazies will kick-in - even more!  Any advice?

A Showdown at High Noon

High Noon.  The time reserved for magnificent showdowns on dusty roads outside of empty saloons - or at least that's what most westerns would have you believe.  It's also the time for many Saturday college football games where battles between arch rivals take place.  And for many people everywhere, noon represents lunchtime.  Yes - very important things happen at High Noon.  

TODAY at High Noon an important showdown of another kind will be taking place. Today my personal showdown against infertility will take place.  Fortunately it's not on a dusty road or on the grid iron of the football field - and certainly NOT on the megatron for all to see.  As my Dad asked, "this isn't a viewing occasion...is it"?  No Dad.  I'm pretty sure it's not. 

The showdown will take place in Houston, I have a fabulous Reproductive Endocrinologist whom I have 100% confidence in.  And he has an excellent team of nurses and embryologists. But I have a secret weapon - #604.  And Team #604/Kelly & Michael (last name withheld on this blog) are ready for the showdown that awaits us.


Hopefully today will be the last day that I ever have to say that I'm infertile.  After the procedure today, I'll have three days of strict bed rest - which Mom is here to help enforce.  After the full-day of shopping I did yesterday - wearing some super cute shoes - my feet will need three days to recover.


Pray for 4 perfect blastocysts for us to select from.   Pray that my uterus welcomes the embryo(s) and continues to prepare a the perfect place for it/them to grow. 


I am wonderfully encouraged by all the love, support, prayers, well-wishes and cheers that I've received from everyone.  I can tell that people from not only the US, but also people in Russia, Latvia, The Netherlands, and Germany are reading this blog.   I can't tell anything else, except that.  I've heard that some haven't been able to post comments - the only thing I can figure is that you may need a Google account, which you can easily create for free.  If you've tried to post something and wasn't able to, please try again. Comments are moderated and as long as they are appropriate, they will get posted. 


It's time - again - for that perfect cheer!  A dear friend shared this with me just before the egg retrieval - it's still appropriate:

604! 604!

We are here to cheer some more!

We are praying to the core!

We just know that you will soar!

604! 604!

Anticipation....It's Making Me Wait

An earworm crawled into my ear last night leaving the chorus of a popular 70's song by Carly Simon stuck in my head as though it were a vinyl record that was stuck compulsively repeating the same few words - Anticipation...... 

Practically every few minutes throughout today I checked my phone to see if I had missed any calls.  I was waiting on a very important call.  Anticipation....it's keepin' me waitin'. 

A good quality egg from a 32  year old

Tuesday was egg retrieval day for #604.  Today I was waiting on the call to tell us how many eggs were retrieved and how many fertilized. 

1:00 - no call.  2:00 - no call, 3:00 - no call.  It was then that I started to worry a little.  So when the nurse called me at 4:16, I stared at the phone as though I didn't know how to answer it.

The earworm must have brought a friend to it's dance party -the Whatif.  If you don't know what a Whatif is, one of my favorite poets - Shel Silverstein - can tell you. Here's how his poem starts; however I rewrote the end of it to be more fitting of my what ifs today....

Last night, while I lay thinking here,
Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
And pranced and partied all night long
And sang their same old Whatif song....

What if the news was bad? 

What if no mature eggs were had? 

What if no eggs became fertilized? 

Or the embryologist became paralyzed

and fumbled my eggs upon the floor

Leaving none for us to use anymore?

What if the eggs got all mixed up

and switched with someone else's cup?

What if the donor changed her mind

leaving us in a bind?

And just before the Whatifs busted a rhyme, I answered the phone.  Anticipation.....

I'm happy to report that Team #604/Hirsch now has 4 happy zygotes (fertilized eggs).  You've seen ultrasound photos of babies, well - here's a photo of a zygote on day 1 (though not ours):

Eight eggs were retrieved, but only 4 were mature eggs and fertilized.  So....now the 4 zygotes will hopefully grow in their petri dishes for a few more days.

Here are a few photos of what the egg will look like over the next few days:

 

A perfect Day 3 embryo



A Day 4 Morula

Here's what we want on Day 5 (Monday):

On Monday, my doctor will look at the embryos and determine whether we have good quality ones or okay quality.  If they all look like perfect Day 5 blastocysts, then he'll transfer only 1.  However if they are only okay quality, then he'll transfer 2.  Any other embryos that are well-developed but not used will be frozen for future use.


So class, that wraps up our embryology lesson for the day.  Your assignment is to keep praying and cheering for the growing embryos. We want perfect blastocysts. 


And now for 4 more days of waiting.  Perhaps my theme song should be Anticipation.  I sure hope this earworm finds a new home tonight.  Or at least give me a better song tomorrow.  Here's to hoping!

A Hunting We Will Go....

Have you ever noticed how men are attracted to big racks? You know the ones that are so huge that you think the poor thing with them is going to just topple over like a weeble-wobble.  I mean seriously...my husband will practically break his neck to get a better look at the big rack he thought he saw crossing the street or grazing in the yard.    What???  I'm talking about DEER.... what did you think I was talking about??  Tsk. Tsk. Tsk....

My husband is an avid deer hunter.  By avid, I mean he lives to deer hunt.  Starting around August he starts planning for all things hunting...purchase of new hunting gear, deer corn, deer stands, when to plow up the food plots and when to plant seed.  Then until opening day of deer season - which is usually the first weekend in November - he dreams of great big racks.  Which, if a that's the worst vice my husband has, then I guess it's not too bad.  That's what my beautiful Grandmother Dorothy reminded me the other day as I whined a little bit about Michael's upcoming hunting sabbatical.  

  

So what does hunting have to do with infertility?  Nothing really, except that I managed to get a laugh out of my husband last night on the eve of his big day.  While #604 and I are the lead characters in this novel, Michael does have a very important supporting role.  Originally we thought that "collection" was going to have to occur at home, and that I would be the courier.  When the nurse told me that - visions of hilarity flashed through my head.  I could just imagine the conversation I'd have with the the police officer as I would be pulled over for speeding trying to get the "collection" to the clinic on time (within an hour).  Fortunately, we didn't have to go that route, but none-the-less, today was the day to - for a lack of a more delicate way to say it - fire.  So - like a good wife who wanted to encourage her hubby to do a good job, I bought him some reading materials.  I even wrapped them in brown wrapping paper (and tied it with a camo bow). 

But perhaps the funniest thing was the articles.  Isn't that why men buy those magazines anyway?  For the articles??  

Check out the main story....sort of appropriate for the moment at hand (pardon the pun). 

Then I noticed one of the sub-stories...about late breeders.  I almost felt like they were writing about us!

Today was a big hunting day of sorts.  Michael's boys went egg hunting.  We will find out tomorrow how many fertilized.  Hopefully all of them did!  I am grateful for ALL the prayers and well wishes. Please keep them coming!  These next few days are critical for the development of the eggs.  

Continue to pray for #604 - that she's in minimal pain following surgery today and for the eggs that are now well on their way to fertilization.  I should get a call tomorrow afternoon with the fertilization report.  My big day is Monday.  That's when they'll transfer the embryo (actually it'll be technically a blastocyst still) into my uterus. 

Until then, I'm on a daily regimen of estrogen and progesterone injections - 1 cc in the butt.  Ouch.  The progesterone is mixed in oil so it looks like something you'd use to saute onions and mushrooms in.  But I don't think it would be nearly as tasty.  I'm thankful that my husband and sister-in-law are expert marksmen when it comes to giving injections.  And let this serve as a warning - whomever I'm with around 8:00pm every night for the next (hopefully three) month(s) will be asked to step up to the firing line to assist. 

And as for my husband, he's ready for Opening Day of the 2011 Hunting Season.  He dodged a bullet with the dates of the egg retrieval and embryo transfer....either of them could have been this weekend.  I'm glad they weren't, because I know how much he enjoys watching those big racks!   And after dealing with my hormonalness (HA!  This word spell-checked as "manliness.") this last month - he deserves it.