Wait for It.....

Patience.....noun \ˈpā-shən(t)s\  [insert a long, pregnant pause here]  
I feel like I've waited all day to take medicine.  At 8:00am I took the first estrogen dose, at 11:00am the cough suppressant (I've got bronchitis), at 1:00pm the antibiotic, at 4:00pm the second dose of estrogen, at 8:00pm the injection, at 11:00pm the third dose of estrogen and before bed - another cough suppressant. 

Patience is something that I always feel I need more of.  And did I mention that I NEED IT NOW!?!?    Surely I'm not the most impatient person in the world.  Or am I?  I'm not that rude, impatient person who screams when you don't jump when they want you to. And likely you'll never hear my extended vocabulary that I extend to slow drivers who have nowhere to be this week yet are already on the road to get there. Nor will you see the frustration on my face as I wait in the "express lane" behind that person with 16 items in their basket.  I don't care that no one was waiting behind you when you so rudely got in line with your 16 items. The sign CLEARLY states 15 items or less!!!  ARGH!!!  Hurry UP already because I need to hurry up and wait...


Patience.  I certainly could use more of it.  I'm not the first to write about patience, and without a doubt I'm the least qualified.  Patience is a virtue. Patience concentrated is endurance.  Slow and steady wins the race (well, that was about patience), and even the New Testament mentions patience 33 times. As I studied the topic, I noticed the word "longsuffering" was used 17 times in the Bible.  So I thought about that a little more today.

Longsuffering.... by definition, longsuffering is patient endurance of pain or unhappiness.  Yep.  Longsuffering describes infertility.  Years and years of waiting - often coupled with the disappointment of yet another failed intrauterine insemination (IUI) or in-vitro fertilization (IVF) cycle.  Not to mention the savings that you watch go down the drain with each cycle.  And of course, there's also a different type of  "weight"-ing that occurs following the multiple rounds of hormones we endure.  Before all my infertility treatments, I was 3 sizes smaller than my current size.  Talk about longsuffering.

Let me put it into perspective for those who are not fertility-challenged. When a couple wants to and is actively trying to get pregnant, there's not much waiting involved - other than waiting to do it again and waiting to see if the stick you peed on is positive. But when you're dealing with infertility, a cycle of waiting begins....which ultimately concludes with waiting for the sobbing to stop because after ALL that you went through - you're not pregnant this month.

God answers prayers.  This comes as no surprise to me, but I had an epiphany recently.  Could it be that my infertility is actually God answering my prayers for patience (usually in the context of dealing with stressful moments or people) by requiring me to wait to become a mom?  And in doing so, He's allowed me to better develop a fruit of the spirit attribute?  Perhaps. 

#604 (read previous posts for reference) is patient.  She's having to take a lot more hormones that I have. I am thankful for her patience. And kindness. And Goodness.  She's a whole Fruit of the Spirit orchard in my book!  Please continue to keep #604 in your prayers - and me too.  I need my bronchitis to clear up before next Monday (projected embryo transfer date). 

Patience and longsuffering.  It WILL all be worth it.  This I know.  God promises in Jeremiah 29:11 -"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Thanks Ginny (from FB) for this reminder. 

Dusting off the Pom Poms!

Following my third ultrasound/bloodwork appointment of the week, I shared with the nurses that I have a whole squad (think cheerleaders) of people praying and cheering for me and donor #604.  Literally, I do.   I decided to rip the bandaid of anonymity off and share my journey with all my FaceBook friends.  I thought a few of my closest friends and family members would read it and a couple would comment. How was I to know that I'd receive all the comments that I did?  Not to mention that I was a bit surprised that so few knew of the journey I've been on for so many years.  Surely I told my story 100s of times...but apparently it was only to about 4 people.  (To those few people who have listened time and time again ....thank you for listening, and I'm sorry).


Incredibly encouraged am I that so many  people are cheering for us - for not just me, but the doctors, nurses, my husband who is counting the days until deer season starts and for #604!  In fact, one friend (who was the former head cheerleader in high school some 20+ years ago) shared with me that she was ready to go, had her pom poms dusted off and had pulled her old cheerleader skirt up over the one thigh it would now fit over and was covering us all in prayers and was cheering us on.  I practically peed myself picturing this friend doing that.  (Lori - if you are ready this - I laughed so hard!  Thank you!!)  


So grab your megaphone and pom poms (I think Mom told me mine melted in the attic some years ago...) and join me in this cheer for #604 -


Two! Four! Six!  Eight!
Who do we appreciate??
604!  604! 604! 
Yay 604!!!


In all seriousness though, when I told the nurses about how I wished I could let #604 know how much I appreciated her, one nurse shared that she had met #604 and that she and I were a perfect match.  She said she looked a lot like me and had a similar bubbly personality.  I nearly did backflips out the clinic door!  Woo hoo!  Not only is my lining perfect (see previous post) but the donor and I are a perfect match!  I'm pretty good at finding things I want on the internet - first my husband (match.com) and now an egg donor. 

It won't be long now!  #604 is progressing nicely and I should find out today when her egg retrieval will be which will predicate when my embryo transfer will happen.   My uterus is perfect according to the nurse  and thickening just as it should be.  I love knowing that my body is making the perfect home for this blessing.


Keep up the cheers and the prayers! 

My Scary Halloween "Costume"

Infertility treatments are not for the shy.  I said that in my previous post and while reflecting on this week, I realized how true it was.  Each body system has been poked, peered at, or prodded this week in some way or another.  If it wasn't, then it got lucky.  Infertility treatments can cause a healthy woman to become a little left of plumb (as my college pathophysiology professor, Dr. Elledge, would say). That's a nice way of saying - go crazy.  But in all fairness, taking a medication normally used to treat prostate cancer to suppress my ovulation and then taking a dose of estrogen which could treat an elephant's hot flashes on top of weaning myself off caffeine - how can I not tilt a little left of plumb? 


It's appropriate that Halloween is around the corner.  I need help deciding on what I should be for Halloween because I have two "great" [wish I had a sarcasm font here] choices:


After the week I've had, I could go as TAM -the Transparent Anatomical Mannikin from years gone by...you know, that see-through mannikin we've all stared at in some museum at some time during our childhood; pressing various buttons to see body parts light up and hear a factual message about that organ.  In this last week, I'm fairly certain that practically every button on my body has been pushed. [Males reading this - get your mind out of the gutter!]


Here' why I say that - last Saturday the heart button was pushed and it dispersed a nice EKG reading for the ER doc to read. Four times this week the vein in my right arm button was pushed and blood was dispersed to check my various hormone and blood component levels.  I've seen my uterus three times this week (as has four nurses and the doctor) and am happy to report my lining is "perfect."  The lungs button was pushed today and is dispersed stuff we won't even talk about.  The nose and ears and throat were all peered in as well.  And with each button that was pushed by the various button pushers, was followed by some note taking and head bobbing.  And only a few times the head bobber was actively listening to me.


I hardly feel like a real person this week.  Instead, I'm whatever patient ID # is on my medical records at the 3 medical facilities I've been to - or the patient ID at any of the three pharmacies with which I've filled various prescriptions.  So perhaps I should be an ID # - it would be a very easy costume to make.  Have we become a society of people only able to treat people as numbers because we've become so damn afraid to disclosure something as personal as our name??? 


So - back to my original dilemma - should I go as TAM, the Transparent Anatomical Mannikin? Or an ID #?   

Eat. Pray. Laugh. - My Journey through Infertility

Before you say anything, I know the name of this blog sounds like a best-selling novel or movie starring Julia Roberts. And perhaps, if it's written well-enough it will become that.  Since Valerie Bertineli and I resemble each other (a lot), she could play me. (Valerie have your people call my people).  Anyway....the novel you're thinking of is Eat. Pray. LOVE.  But after thinking of all that I've been through over the last nearly 6 years of fertility testing, infertility diagnosis, surgeries to help infertility, infertility treatments, infertility acupuncture, surgery to remove my one good ovary that the last doctor destroyed, more tears than one person could possibly cry in a lifetime, more time, more tests, more treatments, TONS of hormones mostly given as shots to myself (after the first 3 IVF rounds I had given or had given to me about 150 injections), and a small fortune all in the hopes of getting pregnant...well, there was nothing I loved about any of that. So - I replaced LOVE with LAUGH...because without laughter at moments throughout this whole journey, I'm not sure I would've made it through. After all, you can only cry so much and we don't have flood insurance, so the sobbing had to stop after a while. 



For the last month and a half, I've been hormonally manipulated, scoped, poked and prodded more than something that gets scoped, poked and prodded a lot. I can't think of any funny analogy to use here, so if you have one...let me know. Fertility treatments are not for the faint-hearted. Or for the shy. Since I started just this round of IVF, I've lost count of the number of people who have seen my lady parts.  My vajay-jay, my hoo ha.  Not just the doctor (who happens to be a dead ringer for my high school boyfriend KRB...talk about awkard), but also the 10 or so nurses, the ultrasonographers, the interns, and who knows who was watching during my hysteroscopy last month! Fertility treatments are NOT for the shy. After going through IVF treatment three other times, plus practically every two to three days for the last month, on a recent visit to the ER this weekend (MOM - I AM FINE), I hardly noticed I was walking down the hall with the gown wide open in the back. I just thought it was really cold in there. With my jacked-up hormones, my body doesn't know if it is at the North Pole or having it's own personal summer (borrowed from my sister-in-law).  


To be clear - there's nothing funny about infertility.  But you can't help but laugh at some of the stuff you go through.  One good thing is that I can, for at least a short period of time, chalk up some behavior that's not typical of me as "the hormones."   Wonder how long I can use that excuse??  On the the next topic of this blog....


Eat.  While this isn't the focus of this blog, because it's in the title of it - I feel compelled to give it a shout-out.  Food is often what brings my family to the table (figuratively and literally).  I come from a family of great cooks, and I love to cook.  I am blessed with a husband who is not a picky eater and who is a master at the grill and holds his own with anything else he cooks. I love when I come home on days he's off and he's got a healthy, delicious dinner prepared for me (and cleans the kitchen along the way).  We actually met at a local Mexican food restaurant and will probably eat there for our 5th anniversary this week.  Sharing meals with and baking for those I love is something I love to do. The holiday season is where I usually go crazy with the baking, but this holiday season may bring about a different type of bun in the oven.  It's likely that foods I make or eat somewhere else will show up on the way in this blog.   For example, this weekend I have to make a bazillion peanut butter bon bons for the Junior League's Holiday Market which is next weekend.  I've never made these bon bons so it looks like The Mistakery Bakery will be open late hours....

Pray.  Quite simply, I need your prayers. Next week(-ish) Michael & I will be doing our 4th in vitro fertilization (IVF) procedure. The previous three IVFs all failed due to my egg quality.  And due to the fact that with the 3rd IVF procedure the doctor retrieved my eggs with what I think was a crow bar which resulted in a life-threatening abdominal blood clot (and subsequent ovary removal), I have no good eggs left. I couldn't put all my eggs in one basket if I COULD find them because there are none. This said, I am using an egg donor. [Gasp]. Yes, after looking through pages of potential egg donors, I selected one that looks practically identical to me: gorgeous, young, 5'9", blond hair, blue eyes.... [I'm 42, 5'3" on a good day, brunette, brown eyes].  Actually she does favor me to a great extent and has a similar personality based on a few questions she answered.  


Her donor # is 604. When I think of her as #604, I can't help but insert an imaginary tag in her ear like our cows have. #604 is anonymous to me and has been screened for psych issues, infectious disease, certain genetic conditions, etc. In fact, she's probably more sane that I am after under-going three freaking rounds of IVF!   All those hormones tend to do a number on you.  Anyway, back to #604 - she has children of her own and is 26. She is really beautiful and petite.  I know little else about #604 except her medical history. However, I have an amazingly good feeling about this donor.  I wish I could let her know that there are a lot of people praying for her.  I had to sign a waiver that I wouldn't try to find out who she was, but if anyone out there reading this is donor #604 with Houston Fertility Institute - thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your eggs. 


The way is works essentially is that #604 will take a lot of hormones to cause her body to produce a lot of eggs. Soon, her eggs will be retrieved from her body (by a different no-crowbar weilding doctor) where they will then be fertilized in the lab using Michael's sperm. After 5 days, the best 1-2 embryos will be transferred to my uterus. And then we wait....for a long several weeks to see if it worked. During that time, I'll closely watch for every possible sign and symptom of early pregnancy. I'll watch the my body like it's never been watched (at least not in this past decade) to see if I detect any minute changes.  I'll worry about twinges of cramping that I'll surely feel and in fact, I'll probably imagine some symptoms. It's probably a good thing that Michael will be deer hunting a lot during this time as I'll still be very hormonally jacked-up and basically a nut. 


As a Christian, I am a firm believer in the power of prayer. As a behavioral scientist, I read a lot of studies - multiple studies have examined the effect of prayer on IVF treatment - specifically involving the embryo transfer part (which is what I'm having done). Many of these studies have shown statistically significant differences for the effect of prayer on the outcome of IVF-embryo transfer (50% positive outcome vs. 26% - which is really good) For my fellow statistic geeks p=.0013.  This number basically means that it wasn't a fluke.  


So - if you pray, please specifically thank God for the doctors and for the technology to enable infertile couples to fulfill lifelong dreams of having a family, and for the donors who share a very personal part of themselves with someone they'll never know. Pray for #604 to produce an adequate number of good quality eggs that become fertilized. Pray for Michael - he's had to deal with a very hormonal me for a while and has been a huge support to me. And lastly - pray for me. Ask that my body be prepared for the receipt of a precious embryo and that it is able to provide it with the perfect home to grow. I don't know the exact date of the procedure yet, but it looks like it will be the end of next week.


I feel very confident that this will work this time. At least I really really really hope it does. Maybe I should change the name of this blog to Eat. Pray. Hope. After all, I've held on to hope for so long that I fear I may get rope burn.  But I have this crazy confidence this time- like the glass is full and overflowing confidence (and I'm not usually an optimist) - that it WILL work.  I have #604.  And we have a ton of friends and family praying for us.   If you're still reading this blog, I hope that you'll join the prayer chain and pray for #604, the doctors, and my uterus.