You Said WHAT???

Today while out shopping, I ran into an old friend whom I hadn't seen in a while.  While catching up on life, she asked THE question:  "So - do you have any children?"  Sure - it's a fair enough question, and I've learned how to deal with it without busting into tears....at least not until after the person walks away.  I'm still working on how to attend baby showers without sitting in the hostess' bathroom sobbing because the shower is not for me.   

I shared a few highlights of my struggle with infertility over the years - the 3 failed IVF treatments, the near-death experience, the lost ovary, and that I was currently waiting to see if the 4th IVF cycle worked.  Knowing that people really don't want to hear my sob story, I try to keep a humorous spin on things so that it doesn't cause anyone to feel uncomfortable just because I had to answer THE question they asked.  After all, just saying "no - we don't have children" creates a whole cascade of questions to include remarks like "well, at least you don't have to go school shopping....to t-ball practices...tap, jazz, or ballet lessons...." 

Yeah, at least I don't have THOSE hassles to deal with.  I much prefer infertility treatments by far.  I look forward to "the wand" (see right photo) and love having blood drawn every other day for several weeks.  I enjoy paying out-of-pocket for these non-covered by insurance procedures.  And can I tell you,  these progesterone in oil injections that I've been getting every day in my ass for 16 days feels incredible!   But at least I don't have to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches everyday for lunch....

Over the years I've heard perhaps every single cliche that people say to women who are trying to overcome their fertility challenged status.  These are a few of the ones that irk me the most. 





View from balcony of recent vacation


• "Relax.  Quit trying and don't think about it."  Oh, so THAT'S what the problem is. Yeah, I'll do that. I'm sure that will cause my ovary to regrow and generate new eggs.  Honey, let's go on vacation...again.

• "Maybe it's because you are not ready."  I'm 42 years old and have tried to conceive for the last 10+ years of my life. I've been hormonally manipulated, scoped, poked and prodded more times than I can count.  Yep. You're right. I'm just not ready....I'm having too much fun with infertility treatments.  

• "You will get pregnant one day." Yeah, my Mom told me in 5th grade (when I was already getting hips, a tummy, and didn't need a training bra) that one day I'd appreciate my curves.     She didn't tell me WHAT day though.  I'm still waiting. 

• "Maybe it's nature's way of telling you that you're not meant to be a mom." You think that's really it??  Come on people, didn't your mother teach you how to be considerate of others' feelings?  Guess not, because then no one would say this or the next one.

• "Just adopt.  THEN you'll get pregnant."   This is perhaps the most painful one I've heard.  Do you really think adoption is a treatment for infertility?   So if you say this to someone who is pregnancy-challenged and then get the ever-living crap slapped out of you....don't say I didn't warn you. 

Surely my friend didn't realize how hurtful her innocent "advice" to me was.  I politely smiled and replied that I wouldn't waste any time thinking of her tidbit.  I think she thought I was paying her a compliment.  I wasn't. 

When you find yourself tempted to offer advice to someone who you know is trying to conceive, please take mine - first consider how some of these types of well-intended statements may come across.  I don't know what Dear Abby would advise, and Emily Post would probably recommend that such issues are private and shouldn't be discussed the the first place.  


What your fertility challenged friend wants to hear is that you care and that your thoughts, prayers and best wishes are with her.  Tell her to keep you informed of any prayer requests and that you'll be part of her cheerleading squad to encourage her along the way. 


Each day I am encouraged and reminded by my friends and family who read this blog that I am being lifted up in their prayers and that they are cheering for me and #1.  To all of you who read this - please know that I am sincerely appreciative of your prayers and encouragement.  It's still going to be a little while before I know if it worked, so until then - keep up with those prayers and cheers!