My Christmas Carol Song List - Lyrics by The Fertility Grinch

Christmas.  It's been said that It's the Most Wonderful Time....of the Year.  A time when Christians around the world celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ....Away in a Manager...on a Silent Night.  Holy Night.  A time when families and friends join together to Deck the Halls and watch Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire.  A time when children are told that Santa Claus is Coming to Town.  And, for those who are like me, a time when you seem to think you can do everything in that last week before Christmas. 

As I flew like a flash last week finishing my shopping, wrapping, baking several dozen coconut cake balls, reindeer balls, a coconut cake, a few dozen cookies, along with divinity and fudge (about 15 pounds worth) - I think I must have inhaled too much sugar. For those who have ever made candy, you know how tricky (and sometimes sticky) it can be.  I think my brain even cooked to the hard-crack stage. 

I love to cook.  I especially love to bake and make sweets.  And I love to give these treats to friends and family who appreciate them.  Some people don't appreciate it though and have actually given the homemade treats back to me.   I'm not certain if that's indicative of their devotion to their diet or just poor manners - I tend to believe the latter, but that's a topic of another blog.  Either way, such actions feel about the same as when sugar syrup boiling at 180 degrees splatters on me. It hurts.  To be sure,  those peope will be on my naughty list next year. 

I made one new year resolution in 2011 - to finish more things that I started.  So while cooking this week, I found it an opportune time to finish a bottle of Moscato, some vodka and cranberry juice, and some Bailey's Irish Cream.  I'm not a lush by any means, but those bottles were taking up much needed real estate in the fridge - and I had to do what I had to do to free up some space.  That said, I enjoyed a few hours in the kitchen each night last week baking and preparing my Christmas goodies.  Perhaps I was encouraged somewhat by the alcohol, but I sang Christmas carols (loudly) as I baked.   Traditional ones.  Pop ones.  Parodied Ones...Bob Rivers is my favorite - The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen cracks me up every time I hear it.  Only my dog can attest to how badly I sounded - and fortunately he can't speak.

As I sipped and sang, I thought of the previous few months and how I was like a little girl waiting on Santa to come down the chimney to bring me the gift I had asked for - a real, live baby.  I was a good girl all year (that's my story and I'm sticking to it) and deserved to get what I had asked for.  But then, on Christmas Day, I awoke only to find I didn't get what I had asked for.  The Fertility Grinch had visited my Whohaville...again. 

Thinking about how another infertile Christmas was upon me, compounded by the sugar fumes & vodka, I came up with my own personal Christmas carol song list. I think it's most appropriate that these would be carols because the word "carol" actually means part of the song is repeated over and over.  I know that there's a whole choir of woman around the world who could join me in song.  Some of the titles the Fertility Grinch wrote:

• Here I come a waddling (Each round of IVF has left weight that I can't shake.)
• Do you Hear what I hear?  (I swear the hormones made me a little nutty.)
• All I want for Christmas is a BFP (big fat positive) on an HPT (home pregnancy test)
• Let it Go. Let it Go. Let it Go.  (This is what insensitive people say I need to do.)
• We Wish it were a Fertile Christmas
• Santa (bring me) A Baby
• Still. Still. Still....not pregnant.
• God Rest Ye Weary Uterus

I found myself saying "I'm doing fine" so often after IVF #4 didn't work that I found

"Carol of Intimacy" on Saturday Night Live to be quite an appropriate Christmas carol too.  Fortunately, I will have another chance to re-write the lyrics to my Christmas carols in 2012. I don't expect the Fertility Grinch will be visiting my Whohaville again.  You're a Mean One ...Mr. Grinch.  We look forward to beginning our next IVF cycle in March using a new donor. 

Maybe this time next year, we'll be singing the Hallelujah Chorus.  Hoping that everyone had a wonderful Christmas and holiday season!   I'm looking forward to what the new year will bring!  Here's to Hope for a better one. 

Reasons to be Thankful

Three days before Thanksgiving, I learned that my 4th IVF cycle failed.  I honestly found it hard to find something for which to be thankful in the midst of my heartbreak.  However it didn't take long for me to realize how thankful I am for the strength, love and support my husband, my family, my friends, my doctor & his practice, my co-workers, an my Junior League sisters.  Without all of them - and you - I don't think I would have been able to rebound as quickly.  Thank you for your love and your continued thoughts and prayers.   If you're wondering why there's a picture of a mule, stay with me....

You are reading this blog for some reason.  Maybe I've struck a cord in your heart and you have a better understanding about what people with infertility deal with.  Perhaps you are considering IVF, have done IVF, know someone who has done IVF, had no clue what all was involved with IVF, or just have some crazy curiosity about IVF....or maybe you just like me and my story.  And that's a perfectly great reason too!  

While I've wanted to add more to my blog, I've felt like my head and my heart just had nothing much to say.  And my funnybone was oddly quiet.  The normal, everyday stuff which I often find so  much humor in just wasn't as funny to me.  I had no stories of stirrups, injections, or earworms laying their song eggs in my head. 

Before going any further, I should explain.  It started as a "Lord, I am so thankful for...." conversation.  I went through my list of people who make my life better and more interesting.  That was followed by how thankful I am for Houston Fertility Institute and Dr. Griffith because I will get another chance to do IVF again using an egg donor - a different one though, and at a greatly reduced cost.  Thoughts wandered to much less significant things that I was thankful for as well - you know, things like the printer actually working when I was in a rush to get out the door the other day, Starbucks' Skinny Carmel Macchiato, that I can order a lot of Christmas presents online and not have to do the crowded mall (or maul) thing that I despise...well, you see where this was going.

And then my funnybone woke up.  It was thankful too....

• Thankful that all of the IVF expenses may be a tax write-off this year!  
• Thankful that even though my body could be in better shape (although, round is a shape) - my uterus is in excellent shape. 
• Thankful that we aren't looking for a sperm donor.
• Thankful that I didn't have any baby showers to attend this last month. 
• Thankful that I don't have to do those horrible Progesterone in Oil injections anymore!
• Thankful that I had a still had reason to have gained weight around Thanksgiving and that it wasn't just me eating too much.  (That's my story and I'm sticking to it!)
• Thankful that I can have caffeine again!

Looking at the big-picture weeks later, I realize I  have much for which to be thankful.  It's challenging to not become focused on the things I don't have - namely children to take to see Santa, the energy (and the figure) that I did when I was 25, and to be 42 with children going off to Texas A&M like many of my friends do (I have smart friends).  But I do have resilience and am stubborn as a mule at times. (Now you get the picture above?)  And for those qualities, I am very thankful.  Without them, this journey would have long since ended.  No one promised this journey through infertility would be easy.  But I've gotten really good at putting my feet in the stirrups  (though not the kind attached to a saddle) and am ready to mount up on this horse again and give it another go!

Until then, I'll try to post more often - I'm working on my 12 Days of Infertility song next.  Merry Christmas to my Christian friends, Happy Hanukkah to my Jewish friends - and to eveyrone else - Happy Holidays.  I'm looking forward to celebrating Christmas with my family as we honor the birth of Christ, our Lord.