Reasons to be Thankful

Three days before Thanksgiving, I learned that my 4th IVF cycle failed.  I honestly found it hard to find something for which to be thankful in the midst of my heartbreak.  However it didn't take long for me to realize how thankful I am for the strength, love and support my husband, my family, my friends, my doctor & his practice, my co-workers, an my Junior League sisters.  Without all of them - and you - I don't think I would have been able to rebound as quickly.  Thank you for your love and your continued thoughts and prayers.   If you're wondering why there's a picture of a mule, stay with me....

You are reading this blog for some reason.  Maybe I've struck a cord in your heart and you have a better understanding about what people with infertility deal with.  Perhaps you are considering IVF, have done IVF, know someone who has done IVF, had no clue what all was involved with IVF, or just have some crazy curiosity about IVF....or maybe you just like me and my story.  And that's a perfectly great reason too!  

While I've wanted to add more to my blog, I've felt like my head and my heart just had nothing much to say.  And my funnybone was oddly quiet.  The normal, everyday stuff which I often find so  much humor in just wasn't as funny to me.  I had no stories of stirrups, injections, or earworms laying their song eggs in my head. 

Before going any further, I should explain.  It started as a "Lord, I am so thankful for...." conversation.  I went through my list of people who make my life better and more interesting.  That was followed by how thankful I am for Houston Fertility Institute and Dr. Griffith because I will get another chance to do IVF again using an egg donor - a different one though, and at a greatly reduced cost.  Thoughts wandered to much less significant things that I was thankful for as well - you know, things like the printer actually working when I was in a rush to get out the door the other day, Starbucks' Skinny Carmel Macchiato, that I can order a lot of Christmas presents online and not have to do the crowded mall (or maul) thing that I despise...well, you see where this was going.

And then my funnybone woke up.  It was thankful too....

• Thankful that all of the IVF expenses may be a tax write-off this year!  
• Thankful that even though my body could be in better shape (although, round is a shape) - my uterus is in excellent shape. 
• Thankful that we aren't looking for a sperm donor.
• Thankful that I didn't have any baby showers to attend this last month. 
• Thankful that I don't have to do those horrible Progesterone in Oil injections anymore!
• Thankful that I had a still had reason to have gained weight around Thanksgiving and that it wasn't just me eating too much.  (That's my story and I'm sticking to it!)
• Thankful that I can have caffeine again!

Looking at the big-picture weeks later, I realize I  have much for which to be thankful.  It's challenging to not become focused on the things I don't have - namely children to take to see Santa, the energy (and the figure) that I did when I was 25, and to be 42 with children going off to Texas A&M like many of my friends do (I have smart friends).  But I do have resilience and am stubborn as a mule at times. (Now you get the picture above?)  And for those qualities, I am very thankful.  Without them, this journey would have long since ended.  No one promised this journey through infertility would be easy.  But I've gotten really good at putting my feet in the stirrups  (though not the kind attached to a saddle) and am ready to mount up on this horse again and give it another go!

Until then, I'll try to post more often - I'm working on my 12 Days of Infertility song next.  Merry Christmas to my Christian friends, Happy Hanukkah to my Jewish friends - and to eveyrone else - Happy Holidays.  I'm looking forward to celebrating Christmas with my family as we honor the birth of Christ, our Lord. 

And the Journey Continues....

Have you ever just had a gut feeling about something and then were crushed to find out you were horribly wrong? If so, then you can imagine how I felt when THE call came in at 11:15 this morning.  You see, my blood test was actually today and not next Monday. I was so confident that this 4th round of IVF had worked that I didn't tell anyone that the prenancy test was today (except my husband).  I wanted to be able to surprise everyone at Thanksgiving with the wonderful news.  Unfortunately that won't be the case - at least not this Thanksgiving.

Usually (at least with my other 3 IVF attempts) THAT call comes in the afternoon.  I have heard from my friends who tested positive that their calls came prior to lunch, so when the phone rang at 11:15, I was excited.  But the moment I heard the nurse's voice, I knew it wasn't the outcome we had hoped and prayed for.  "Kelly," the nurse said softly, "I am so sorry, but the test was negative." 

I didn't think I listened to anything else the nurse told me, nor do I recall ending the call.  Instead I ran inside and went straight to bed and sobbed for several hours.  Despite the endless consolation offered by my husband, nothing helped.  I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed some more.  I think I soaked my pillow. 

After about an hour, Michael called the family and told them of the news.  They were all equally as stunned as I was that the test was negative - and as heartbroken.  Michael and I so very fortunate to have such strong families to help us through such difficult times.  For that I am so thankful. 

I'm digging deep today for strength.  I am resilient and VERY stubborn.  Mr. Countis, my all-time favorite teacher, told me that he didn't think I could play a Category I piano arrangement at UIL competition.  After all, I played French Horn - not the piano.  I guess he knew that telling me I couldn't do something would only make me try harder.  A month later, I returned home from that competition with the top award.  Yes, stubborness is a good quality to have if you are infertile.  In fact, it's a requirement.  As I've said before, infertility is not for the faint-hearted.

My devotional reading yesterday said "Thank Me for everything; trust in Me at all times."  This morning's said "Thank Me throughout this day for My Presence and My Peace."   It's almost like the devotionals were foreshadowing of what was coming.  It's very difficult to be thankful when the outcome isn't what we had hoped.  Of course we ask for God's will to be done in our lives, but I can't understand why His will isn't for us to be parents right now.  But I have to trust that He has a better plan in store for me.

I have an amazing doctor.  He called this evening to see how I was doing. We spent 25 minutes discussing what went wrong and our next steps and have a meeting with him tomorrow to come up with a plan.    Ultimately, according to him we "just got a bad batch of eggs this time", and that it's "extremely unusual for egg donors to not work" - and we have an "extremely high liklihood of it working next time."   As he reminded me, "You've already paid for the experience, we're here to help you achieve the outcome you desire."

If you know me, you know that I'm a planner. My co-workers joke that when I do get pregnant, I'll likely draw up a logic model to plan it all out.  Yes.  I probably will.  But for now, we'll meet with the doctor to talk about which donors would be the best for us based on what they know about the donors.  The doctor said that he'd waive his personal fees and will work with us on all the others.  This speaks volumes of Houston Fertility Institute, and particularly of Dr. Griffith.

It's now been 11 hours since THAT call came in.  I've quit sobbing - for now.  I have come to terms with the negative outcome that today brought. This is just a bump in the road along the way on this journey.  It's not the first, but I hopefully it'll be the last.  I'm NOT giving up hope.  I'm holding on so tightly that I'll probably get rope burn.  

   

Dusting off the Pom Poms!

Following my third ultrasound/bloodwork appointment of the week, I shared with the nurses that I have a whole squad (think cheerleaders) of people praying and cheering for me and donor #604.  Literally, I do.   I decided to rip the bandaid of anonymity off and share my journey with all my FaceBook friends.  I thought a few of my closest friends and family members would read it and a couple would comment. How was I to know that I'd receive all the comments that I did?  Not to mention that I was a bit surprised that so few knew of the journey I've been on for so many years.  Surely I told my story 100s of times...but apparently it was only to about 4 people.  (To those few people who have listened time and time again ....thank you for listening, and I'm sorry).


Incredibly encouraged am I that so many  people are cheering for us - for not just me, but the doctors, nurses, my husband who is counting the days until deer season starts and for #604!  In fact, one friend (who was the former head cheerleader in high school some 20+ years ago) shared with me that she was ready to go, had her pom poms dusted off and had pulled her old cheerleader skirt up over the one thigh it would now fit over and was covering us all in prayers and was cheering us on.  I practically peed myself picturing this friend doing that.  (Lori - if you are ready this - I laughed so hard!  Thank you!!)  


So grab your megaphone and pom poms (I think Mom told me mine melted in the attic some years ago...) and join me in this cheer for #604 -


Two! Four! Six!  Eight!
Who do we appreciate??
604!  604! 604! 
Yay 604!!!


In all seriousness though, when I told the nurses about how I wished I could let #604 know how much I appreciated her, one nurse shared that she had met #604 and that she and I were a perfect match.  She said she looked a lot like me and had a similar bubbly personality.  I nearly did backflips out the clinic door!  Woo hoo!  Not only is my lining perfect (see previous post) but the donor and I are a perfect match!  I'm pretty good at finding things I want on the internet - first my husband (match.com) and now an egg donor. 

It won't be long now!  #604 is progressing nicely and I should find out today when her egg retrieval will be which will predicate when my embryo transfer will happen.   My uterus is perfect according to the nurse  and thickening just as it should be.  I love knowing that my body is making the perfect home for this blessing.


Keep up the cheers and the prayers!