My Christmas Carol Song List - Lyrics by The Fertility Grinch

Christmas.  It's been said that It's the Most Wonderful Time....of the Year.  A time when Christians around the world celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ....Away in a Manager...on a Silent Night.  Holy Night.  A time when families and friends join together to Deck the Halls and watch Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire.  A time when children are told that Santa Claus is Coming to Town.  And, for those who are like me, a time when you seem to think you can do everything in that last week before Christmas. 

As I flew like a flash last week finishing my shopping, wrapping, baking several dozen coconut cake balls, reindeer balls, a coconut cake, a few dozen cookies, along with divinity and fudge (about 15 pounds worth) - I think I must have inhaled too much sugar. For those who have ever made candy, you know how tricky (and sometimes sticky) it can be.  I think my brain even cooked to the hard-crack stage. 

I love to cook.  I especially love to bake and make sweets.  And I love to give these treats to friends and family who appreciate them.  Some people don't appreciate it though and have actually given the homemade treats back to me.   I'm not certain if that's indicative of their devotion to their diet or just poor manners - I tend to believe the latter, but that's a topic of another blog.  Either way, such actions feel about the same as when sugar syrup boiling at 180 degrees splatters on me. It hurts.  To be sure,  those peope will be on my naughty list next year. 

I made one new year resolution in 2011 - to finish more things that I started.  So while cooking this week, I found it an opportune time to finish a bottle of Moscato, some vodka and cranberry juice, and some Bailey's Irish Cream.  I'm not a lush by any means, but those bottles were taking up much needed real estate in the fridge - and I had to do what I had to do to free up some space.  That said, I enjoyed a few hours in the kitchen each night last week baking and preparing my Christmas goodies.  Perhaps I was encouraged somewhat by the alcohol, but I sang Christmas carols (loudly) as I baked.   Traditional ones.  Pop ones.  Parodied Ones...Bob Rivers is my favorite - The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen cracks me up every time I hear it.  Only my dog can attest to how badly I sounded - and fortunately he can't speak.

As I sipped and sang, I thought of the previous few months and how I was like a little girl waiting on Santa to come down the chimney to bring me the gift I had asked for - a real, live baby.  I was a good girl all year (that's my story and I'm sticking to it) and deserved to get what I had asked for.  But then, on Christmas Day, I awoke only to find I didn't get what I had asked for.  The Fertility Grinch had visited my Whohaville...again. 

Thinking about how another infertile Christmas was upon me, compounded by the sugar fumes & vodka, I came up with my own personal Christmas carol song list. I think it's most appropriate that these would be carols because the word "carol" actually means part of the song is repeated over and over.  I know that there's a whole choir of woman around the world who could join me in song.  Some of the titles the Fertility Grinch wrote:

• Here I come a waddling (Each round of IVF has left weight that I can't shake.)
• Do you Hear what I hear?  (I swear the hormones made me a little nutty.)
• All I want for Christmas is a BFP (big fat positive) on an HPT (home pregnancy test)
• Let it Go. Let it Go. Let it Go.  (This is what insensitive people say I need to do.)
• We Wish it were a Fertile Christmas
• Santa (bring me) A Baby
• Still. Still. Still....not pregnant.
• God Rest Ye Weary Uterus

I found myself saying "I'm doing fine" so often after IVF #4 didn't work that I found

"Carol of Intimacy" on Saturday Night Live to be quite an appropriate Christmas carol too.  Fortunately, I will have another chance to re-write the lyrics to my Christmas carols in 2012. I don't expect the Fertility Grinch will be visiting my Whohaville again.  You're a Mean One ...Mr. Grinch.  We look forward to beginning our next IVF cycle in March using a new donor. 

Maybe this time next year, we'll be singing the Hallelujah Chorus.  Hoping that everyone had a wonderful Christmas and holiday season!   I'm looking forward to what the new year will bring!  Here's to Hope for a better one. 

Show Me a Sign!

Have  you ever found yourself waiting for a sign?  I have.  In fact, I've been waiting for several signs for 13 days since the embryo transfer.  I've Googled every possible combination of words related to early pregnancy signs as if somewhere out in cyberspace I would be able to confirm pregnancy.   When I read that nipples get darker - I practically ran to the mirror to check.  Surely there is some sign other than waiting....

All this waiting combined with the infertility drugs and hormones is making me just *a little* crazy. For the past 13 days I've become a voyuer on several IVF and pregnancy forums.  I'm like a stalker looking for signs.  I cyberstalk other women who have recently had IVF to see what signs and symptoms they're experiencing while they wait for their blood test.  

Mine is a long wait.  For some it's just 10 days and for some it's two weeks an then for others the day you're supposed to have it done is Thanksgiving and the clinic is closed and you are out of town so you have to wait until the following Monday.  That's my story.  I'm a lady in waiting.

Some women can't stand the wait and choose to POAS (pee on a stick).  This is known amongst infertiles as "the devil stick" and despite the fact that with infertility treatments they are often wrong, many women report that they still pee on lots of sticks hoping for that faint pink line.  Can't really blame them - I like pink too. Figuring it couldn't hurt to pee on a few sticks, I went outside and found some.  I didn't see a faint pink line on any of them though - so I'm not sure if I'm using the right type of stick.  I think most of them were oak.  Maybe I should have used pecan.  The sweetgum sticks are for gender detection.  The stick on the bottom photo is for predicting a boy - see the ball?

Since the embryo transfer I've been watching for each and every sign or symptom to indicate that I am pregnant:

• Implantation bleeding - This would be an indicator that the embryo implanted.  Some people spot and others don't.  I didn't. 
• Delayed period - Given the dose of progesterone I'm on, this is artificially delayed. At least I can quit inspecting the toliet paper as closely as I was for the dreaded monthly visitor.  
• Swollen breasts - Uhmmmm....for me, that's a bit hard to tell.  But the girls are tender - again could be caused by the elephant dosage of estrogen I'm taking.
• Fatigue and tiredness - I have noticed I fatigue easily.  Couldn't even keep up with my parents at Sam's Club yesterday - and they both have bad knees and hips.  Then again, it could be the progesterone causing me to be out of breath so easily.
• Nausea - I am much more aware of odors.  Things that aren't usually offensive smells make nauseated.  I nearly vomited at the smell of McDonalds and Chick-fil-A that some co-workers brought into the office last week.  (Usually the smell of grease only makes me gag.)  The next day, the smell of chocolate chip cookies baking caused me to dry heave.  If being pregnant means chocolate makes me gag, then God is playing a bad trick on me.  However, it could be the estrogen.
• Headache - I have had intermittent headaches.  But this could be caused by caffeine withdrawal.
• Peeing a lot - I already pee a lot.  How can I tell the difference?
• And the list goes on...

I even pray for signs that I'm pregnant.  I have an odd (for me) peacefulness about me and am not overly anxious or nervous.  I know that God has this in His ultimate control and knows the outcome already.  I just which I could get a sign. 

A rare optimism surrounds me.  Please continue to pray for a positive outcome. I feel good about it and know that if the result isn't positive that it'll be a hard fall.  We'll need lots of prayers to be able accept the outcome and find a way to be thankful regardless.

In the meantime, I'm thankful for so many things - #604, my amazing reproductive endocrinologist, the science that exists to make it all work, the ability to afford a 4th round of IVF, incredible friends who have prayed and cheered for me unlike anything you could believe, a family that has walked nearly every step of this journey with me, a husband who loves me despite my imperfections and most of all my faith in God, the Almighty Creator. Without this faith my journey would have ended a long time ago.

Happy Thanksgiving friends and loved ones.  We have much to be thankful for!

Until next time - gobble 'till you wobble!

You Said WHAT???

Today while out shopping, I ran into an old friend whom I hadn't seen in a while.  While catching up on life, she asked THE question:  "So - do you have any children?"  Sure - it's a fair enough question, and I've learned how to deal with it without busting into tears....at least not until after the person walks away.  I'm still working on how to attend baby showers without sitting in the hostess' bathroom sobbing because the shower is not for me.   

I shared a few highlights of my struggle with infertility over the years - the 3 failed IVF treatments, the near-death experience, the lost ovary, and that I was currently waiting to see if the 4th IVF cycle worked.  Knowing that people really don't want to hear my sob story, I try to keep a humorous spin on things so that it doesn't cause anyone to feel uncomfortable just because I had to answer THE question they asked.  After all, just saying "no - we don't have children" creates a whole cascade of questions to include remarks like "well, at least you don't have to go school shopping....to t-ball practices...tap, jazz, or ballet lessons...." 

Yeah, at least I don't have THOSE hassles to deal with.  I much prefer infertility treatments by far.  I look forward to "the wand" (see right photo) and love having blood drawn every other day for several weeks.  I enjoy paying out-of-pocket for these non-covered by insurance procedures.  And can I tell you,  these progesterone in oil injections that I've been getting every day in my ass for 16 days feels incredible!   But at least I don't have to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches everyday for lunch....

Over the years I've heard perhaps every single cliche that people say to women who are trying to overcome their fertility challenged status.  These are a few of the ones that irk me the most. 





View from balcony of recent vacation


• "Relax.  Quit trying and don't think about it."  Oh, so THAT'S what the problem is. Yeah, I'll do that. I'm sure that will cause my ovary to regrow and generate new eggs.  Honey, let's go on vacation...again.

• "Maybe it's because you are not ready."  I'm 42 years old and have tried to conceive for the last 10+ years of my life. I've been hormonally manipulated, scoped, poked and prodded more times than I can count.  Yep. You're right. I'm just not ready....I'm having too much fun with infertility treatments.  

• "You will get pregnant one day." Yeah, my Mom told me in 5th grade (when I was already getting hips, a tummy, and didn't need a training bra) that one day I'd appreciate my curves.     She didn't tell me WHAT day though.  I'm still waiting. 

• "Maybe it's nature's way of telling you that you're not meant to be a mom." You think that's really it??  Come on people, didn't your mother teach you how to be considerate of others' feelings?  Guess not, because then no one would say this or the next one.

• "Just adopt.  THEN you'll get pregnant."   This is perhaps the most painful one I've heard.  Do you really think adoption is a treatment for infertility?   So if you say this to someone who is pregnancy-challenged and then get the ever-living crap slapped out of you....don't say I didn't warn you. 

Surely my friend didn't realize how hurtful her innocent "advice" to me was.  I politely smiled and replied that I wouldn't waste any time thinking of her tidbit.  I think she thought I was paying her a compliment.  I wasn't. 

When you find yourself tempted to offer advice to someone who you know is trying to conceive, please take mine - first consider how some of these types of well-intended statements may come across.  I don't know what Dear Abby would advise, and Emily Post would probably recommend that such issues are private and shouldn't be discussed the the first place.  


What your fertility challenged friend wants to hear is that you care and that your thoughts, prayers and best wishes are with her.  Tell her to keep you informed of any prayer requests and that you'll be part of her cheerleading squad to encourage her along the way. 


Each day I am encouraged and reminded by my friends and family who read this blog that I am being lifted up in their prayers and that they are cheering for me and #1.  To all of you who read this - please know that I am sincerely appreciative of your prayers and encouragement.  It's still going to be a little while before I know if it worked, so until then - keep up with those prayers and cheers! 

No Stress & Legs Up!

"No stress & legs up!"   By far the most common bit of advice I've received from many pregnant, recently pregnant and have been pregnant friends and family.  In fact, my brother said I needed one of these things to the right - an inversion table.  Uhm...that might be taking it a little too far, but it might work!      

While in the procedure room during the embryo transfer, which took less than 15 minutes total, I thought to ask my doctor about the "legs up" advice.  He said that once the embryo was in place, it wasn't going to just fall out.  But I was thinking he hadn't heard me coughing lately which feels like my whole uterus is going to fall out. 



I think this qualifies as legs up!

So I figured that I'd give the "legs up" advice a try.   I don't think there's any science behind the "legs up" advice other than this - if your legs are up, that means you can't be up running around doing laundry, cooking dinner, going to work, shopping, exercising, or any of those types of things that might bounce your uterus around a bit.  As a Behavioral Scientist, this appeals to me.  Actually, the whole - lay in bed for a few days and have someone else do everything else for you - is quite nice.  I'm blessed that I have Mom here to help me out while my husband enjoys deer hunting.  And when Mom gets exhausted from my keeping up with my feeding schedule (have you ever taken a high dosage of Prednisone?? OMG it makes you crazy hungry!), then my Mother-in-Law has offered to come help. 

Since I haven't posted anything since Monday prior to the embryo transfer, here's how it went.  We arrived about an hour early and waited...and waited...and then waited some more.  My instructions said I needed to have a full bladder (helps ensure the best ultrasound image).  Two hours after needing to pee really badly, I was relieved when they called me back.  Anxious if for no other reason but to be able to pee soon. 

Shortly after changing into my now very familiar garb (with the gown open to the back), along with the booties and hair thingy, and my husband wearing a zip-up painter's jumpsuit, booties and hair thingy - Dr. Griffith came in to review how our eggs had grown and discuss the plan.  Of the 8 eggs retrieved, they all fertilized, but 4 arrested before making it to the 2 cell stage and didn't technically "count" and, 3 others grew but weren't where they really needed to be. However #1 (they number each fertilized egg) was good.  It didn't make it to the blastocyst stage as hoped by day 5 post retrieval, but it was still good-looking.  He compared it to a baby which should be walking at 9 months and doesn't walk until 12 months.  He advised that we only transfer the 1 good one since transferring the other 3 less than good ones could increase inflammation and hinder #1's growth.  (End of embryology lesson). 

I have to admit - I was really disappointed. I wanted 4 perfect blastocysts to select from. I wanted the option of transferring 1 or 2 now and save the others for another time.  Afterwards, we proceeded to the very sterile procedure room.  Dr. Griffith, the embryologist, and the super awesome nurse, Susan, all were ready to go.  Susan, obviously a Christian, gave me the encouragement I needed at that time.  They all quickly went to work.  As the embryologist placed the ultrasound wand (with the warmed jelly which I was grateful for) directly on my stomach over my bladder and pressed down, I thought I was going to explode!  In the ultrasound monitor, all that you could see was my very full bladder.  "Good job, Kelly", they all said as though I had won a prize.  Yay me, I thought.  

The doctor did a practice run first with an empty catheter to be able to see exactly where he wanted to place the embryo.  Then he did the same thing again, but this time, with the loaded catheter.  We could see on the monitor exactly what was happening.  Both the doctor and embryologist seemed very pleased with the placement of #1 and said that they had seen many, many embryos of this same quality have positive outcomes.  So we're hopeful.

As the procedure was ending, I asked the doctor how Donor #604 was doing.  He looked up from what he was doing with an almost shocked look upon his face.  He said that in all of his years of doing this, that no one had ever asked about the donor's well-being.  The embryologist and the nurse both agreed - they'd never been asked that either.  I was relieved to know that she was doing well.  Later, as I reflected on this, I guess it was due to my own experience of having a botched egg retrieval that made me ask.  I'd hate for someone to ever go through what I did.  Note to anyone contemplating IVF:  ask your doctor what his/her stats are regarding botched egg retrievals.  All the consent forms you'll sign will tell you that it's extremely rare and highly unlikely...but me and my one ovary are proof otherwise. 

I am thankful to God for #1.  While we didn't have the number of embryos we had wanted to select from, I can't dwell on that.  I am joyful and hopeful that #1 will be all it takes. It does only take one - and we've got #1.  For those who (not unlike myself) would rejoice with the news that I'm pregnant with twins - it's still very possible.  One egg can split and became identical twins...so Christina, keep praying!   

My Dad has always said I was his #1 - is it because I was born 7 years earlier than my brother?  Perhaps. Or maybe he loves me the most. Yeah...that's probably it.  Just kidding, Randall.  But THIS #1 will truly redefine what being #1 means.

So for my cheerleaders and fans out there  - keep praying that #1 continues to grow and implant.  Today #1 should be busy trying to hatch out of its shell and attach to my uterus. Implantation should begin soon.  I've got the perfect place waiting for it to nestle into. 

Grow #1!

Grow #1!

Grow #1!



My dog is good at bed rest.

In the meantime, I'm getting really good at this bed rest thing.  It's strict bed rest for three days - only getting up to tend to personal care and sitting up briefly to eat.  I have one more day to go.  Even my dog has taken the bed rest order seriously.  Good boy.

The next few weeks will be filled with anxiousness.  Soon the early pregnancy symptoms will set-in (if it works) which unfortunately mimics PMS.  The way I see it - I'll be imaging things one way or the other.  I guess that's when the real crazies will kick-in - even more!  Any advice?

A Showdown at High Noon

High Noon.  The time reserved for magnificent showdowns on dusty roads outside of empty saloons - or at least that's what most westerns would have you believe.  It's also the time for many Saturday college football games where battles between arch rivals take place.  And for many people everywhere, noon represents lunchtime.  Yes - very important things happen at High Noon.  

TODAY at High Noon an important showdown of another kind will be taking place. Today my personal showdown against infertility will take place.  Fortunately it's not on a dusty road or on the grid iron of the football field - and certainly NOT on the megatron for all to see.  As my Dad asked, "this isn't a viewing occasion...is it"?  No Dad.  I'm pretty sure it's not. 

The showdown will take place in Houston, I have a fabulous Reproductive Endocrinologist whom I have 100% confidence in.  And he has an excellent team of nurses and embryologists. But I have a secret weapon - #604.  And Team #604/Kelly & Michael (last name withheld on this blog) are ready for the showdown that awaits us.


Hopefully today will be the last day that I ever have to say that I'm infertile.  After the procedure today, I'll have three days of strict bed rest - which Mom is here to help enforce.  After the full-day of shopping I did yesterday - wearing some super cute shoes - my feet will need three days to recover.


Pray for 4 perfect blastocysts for us to select from.   Pray that my uterus welcomes the embryo(s) and continues to prepare a the perfect place for it/them to grow. 


I am wonderfully encouraged by all the love, support, prayers, well-wishes and cheers that I've received from everyone.  I can tell that people from not only the US, but also people in Russia, Latvia, The Netherlands, and Germany are reading this blog.   I can't tell anything else, except that.  I've heard that some haven't been able to post comments - the only thing I can figure is that you may need a Google account, which you can easily create for free.  If you've tried to post something and wasn't able to, please try again. Comments are moderated and as long as they are appropriate, they will get posted. 


It's time - again - for that perfect cheer!  A dear friend shared this with me just before the egg retrieval - it's still appropriate:

604! 604!

We are here to cheer some more!

We are praying to the core!

We just know that you will soar!

604! 604!

It's Time for the Perfect Cheer!

Okay – so yesterday was Halloween – a day celebrated by fantasy, chocolate, candy and sugar in general.  It should be my type of day, shouldn’t it?   So while most families were preparing cute, adorable costumes for their precious little ones, I had to find something else to do with my time. I resisted the urge to dress up my Standard Poodle (who is way overdue for a grooming) as Mr. Snuffalufagus from olden days of Sesame Street.   Instead, I drowned my desire for such fun times in – what else?  Chocolate.  Dipped in more chocolate.  And then decorated like spiders.  Yeah...spiders. 

Fortunately the people I work with love to eat as much as I love to bake.  Most who start working in my division have gained weight over the years since– some actually blame me!  I can’t help that the only thing I learned to make in home economics before the high school burned down (not due to my cooking!) was desserts.  So I have a sweet-tooth…a mouthful of them, in fact.    At least I share.  (Sometimes maybe I share too much...)

And it was while rolling some 15 dozen Peanut Butter Bon Bons last night for the Junior League Holiday Market approaching this weekend, I thought more about sharing and how thankful I was that I learned to share.  One reason I'm thankful I learned to share is that the thought of keeping 15 dozen of these things at my house was horrid.  

I’m thankful that #604 learned to share.  Because she’s is sharing something so personal with me – someone she doesn’t even know.  Tomorrow morning, around 7:00, #604 will go into surgery to have many of her precious follicles (that contain eggs) that she’s been growing for the last several weeks removed.  Then the eggs will be fertilized and left to incubate in petri dishes.  I’ll get a call on Thursday to tell me how many fertilized and are growing.  I AM SO EXCITED!!!! 

For those who pray – please pray specifically for #604 tomorrow morning.  Pray that her surgery goes well and that she is in minimal pain afterwards.  Pray for the doctors and embryologists involved to retrieve all the mature follicles without harming them and prepare the eggs within them for fertilization.  Pray that fertilization occurs in all the eggs so that we’ll have at least 1 embryo for transfer to me next Monday morning.  Did I mention how EXCITED I AM?? 

For those who are cheering Team #604/Hirsch – it’s time for that perfect cheer!