And the Journey Continues....

Have you ever just had a gut feeling about something and then were crushed to find out you were horribly wrong? If so, then you can imagine how I felt when THE call came in at 11:15 this morning.  You see, my blood test was actually today and not next Monday. I was so confident that this 4th round of IVF had worked that I didn't tell anyone that the prenancy test was today (except my husband).  I wanted to be able to surprise everyone at Thanksgiving with the wonderful news.  Unfortunately that won't be the case - at least not this Thanksgiving.

Usually (at least with my other 3 IVF attempts) THAT call comes in the afternoon.  I have heard from my friends who tested positive that their calls came prior to lunch, so when the phone rang at 11:15, I was excited.  But the moment I heard the nurse's voice, I knew it wasn't the outcome we had hoped and prayed for.  "Kelly," the nurse said softly, "I am so sorry, but the test was negative." 

I didn't think I listened to anything else the nurse told me, nor do I recall ending the call.  Instead I ran inside and went straight to bed and sobbed for several hours.  Despite the endless consolation offered by my husband, nothing helped.  I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed some more.  I think I soaked my pillow. 

After about an hour, Michael called the family and told them of the news.  They were all equally as stunned as I was that the test was negative - and as heartbroken.  Michael and I so very fortunate to have such strong families to help us through such difficult times.  For that I am so thankful. 

I'm digging deep today for strength.  I am resilient and VERY stubborn.  Mr. Countis, my all-time favorite teacher, told me that he didn't think I could play a Category I piano arrangement at UIL competition.  After all, I played French Horn - not the piano.  I guess he knew that telling me I couldn't do something would only make me try harder.  A month later, I returned home from that competition with the top award.  Yes, stubborness is a good quality to have if you are infertile.  In fact, it's a requirement.  As I've said before, infertility is not for the faint-hearted.

My devotional reading yesterday said "Thank Me for everything; trust in Me at all times."  This morning's said "Thank Me throughout this day for My Presence and My Peace."   It's almost like the devotionals were foreshadowing of what was coming.  It's very difficult to be thankful when the outcome isn't what we had hoped.  Of course we ask for God's will to be done in our lives, but I can't understand why His will isn't for us to be parents right now.  But I have to trust that He has a better plan in store for me.

I have an amazing doctor.  He called this evening to see how I was doing. We spent 25 minutes discussing what went wrong and our next steps and have a meeting with him tomorrow to come up with a plan.    Ultimately, according to him we "just got a bad batch of eggs this time", and that it's "extremely unusual for egg donors to not work" - and we have an "extremely high liklihood of it working next time."   As he reminded me, "You've already paid for the experience, we're here to help you achieve the outcome you desire."

If you know me, you know that I'm a planner. My co-workers joke that when I do get pregnant, I'll likely draw up a logic model to plan it all out.  Yes.  I probably will.  But for now, we'll meet with the doctor to talk about which donors would be the best for us based on what they know about the donors.  The doctor said that he'd waive his personal fees and will work with us on all the others.  This speaks volumes of Houston Fertility Institute, and particularly of Dr. Griffith.

It's now been 11 hours since THAT call came in.  I've quit sobbing - for now.  I have come to terms with the negative outcome that today brought. This is just a bump in the road along the way on this journey.  It's not the first, but I hopefully it'll be the last.  I'm NOT giving up hope.  I'm holding on so tightly that I'll probably get rope burn.  

   

Show Me a Sign!

Have  you ever found yourself waiting for a sign?  I have.  In fact, I've been waiting for several signs for 13 days since the embryo transfer.  I've Googled every possible combination of words related to early pregnancy signs as if somewhere out in cyberspace I would be able to confirm pregnancy.   When I read that nipples get darker - I practically ran to the mirror to check.  Surely there is some sign other than waiting....

All this waiting combined with the infertility drugs and hormones is making me just *a little* crazy. For the past 13 days I've become a voyuer on several IVF and pregnancy forums.  I'm like a stalker looking for signs.  I cyberstalk other women who have recently had IVF to see what signs and symptoms they're experiencing while they wait for their blood test.  

Mine is a long wait.  For some it's just 10 days and for some it's two weeks an then for others the day you're supposed to have it done is Thanksgiving and the clinic is closed and you are out of town so you have to wait until the following Monday.  That's my story.  I'm a lady in waiting.

Some women can't stand the wait and choose to POAS (pee on a stick).  This is known amongst infertiles as "the devil stick" and despite the fact that with infertility treatments they are often wrong, many women report that they still pee on lots of sticks hoping for that faint pink line.  Can't really blame them - I like pink too. Figuring it couldn't hurt to pee on a few sticks, I went outside and found some.  I didn't see a faint pink line on any of them though - so I'm not sure if I'm using the right type of stick.  I think most of them were oak.  Maybe I should have used pecan.  The sweetgum sticks are for gender detection.  The stick on the bottom photo is for predicting a boy - see the ball?

Since the embryo transfer I've been watching for each and every sign or symptom to indicate that I am pregnant:

• Implantation bleeding - This would be an indicator that the embryo implanted.  Some people spot and others don't.  I didn't. 
• Delayed period - Given the dose of progesterone I'm on, this is artificially delayed. At least I can quit inspecting the toliet paper as closely as I was for the dreaded monthly visitor.  
• Swollen breasts - Uhmmmm....for me, that's a bit hard to tell.  But the girls are tender - again could be caused by the elephant dosage of estrogen I'm taking.
• Fatigue and tiredness - I have noticed I fatigue easily.  Couldn't even keep up with my parents at Sam's Club yesterday - and they both have bad knees and hips.  Then again, it could be the progesterone causing me to be out of breath so easily.
• Nausea - I am much more aware of odors.  Things that aren't usually offensive smells make nauseated.  I nearly vomited at the smell of McDonalds and Chick-fil-A that some co-workers brought into the office last week.  (Usually the smell of grease only makes me gag.)  The next day, the smell of chocolate chip cookies baking caused me to dry heave.  If being pregnant means chocolate makes me gag, then God is playing a bad trick on me.  However, it could be the estrogen.
• Headache - I have had intermittent headaches.  But this could be caused by caffeine withdrawal.
• Peeing a lot - I already pee a lot.  How can I tell the difference?
• And the list goes on...

I even pray for signs that I'm pregnant.  I have an odd (for me) peacefulness about me and am not overly anxious or nervous.  I know that God has this in His ultimate control and knows the outcome already.  I just which I could get a sign. 

A rare optimism surrounds me.  Please continue to pray for a positive outcome. I feel good about it and know that if the result isn't positive that it'll be a hard fall.  We'll need lots of prayers to be able accept the outcome and find a way to be thankful regardless.

In the meantime, I'm thankful for so many things - #604, my amazing reproductive endocrinologist, the science that exists to make it all work, the ability to afford a 4th round of IVF, incredible friends who have prayed and cheered for me unlike anything you could believe, a family that has walked nearly every step of this journey with me, a husband who loves me despite my imperfections and most of all my faith in God, the Almighty Creator. Without this faith my journey would have ended a long time ago.

Happy Thanksgiving friends and loved ones.  We have much to be thankful for!

Until next time - gobble 'till you wobble!

You Said WHAT???

Today while out shopping, I ran into an old friend whom I hadn't seen in a while.  While catching up on life, she asked THE question:  "So - do you have any children?"  Sure - it's a fair enough question, and I've learned how to deal with it without busting into tears....at least not until after the person walks away.  I'm still working on how to attend baby showers without sitting in the hostess' bathroom sobbing because the shower is not for me.   

I shared a few highlights of my struggle with infertility over the years - the 3 failed IVF treatments, the near-death experience, the lost ovary, and that I was currently waiting to see if the 4th IVF cycle worked.  Knowing that people really don't want to hear my sob story, I try to keep a humorous spin on things so that it doesn't cause anyone to feel uncomfortable just because I had to answer THE question they asked.  After all, just saying "no - we don't have children" creates a whole cascade of questions to include remarks like "well, at least you don't have to go school shopping....to t-ball practices...tap, jazz, or ballet lessons...." 

Yeah, at least I don't have THOSE hassles to deal with.  I much prefer infertility treatments by far.  I look forward to "the wand" (see right photo) and love having blood drawn every other day for several weeks.  I enjoy paying out-of-pocket for these non-covered by insurance procedures.  And can I tell you,  these progesterone in oil injections that I've been getting every day in my ass for 16 days feels incredible!   But at least I don't have to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches everyday for lunch....

Over the years I've heard perhaps every single cliche that people say to women who are trying to overcome their fertility challenged status.  These are a few of the ones that irk me the most. 





View from balcony of recent vacation


• "Relax.  Quit trying and don't think about it."  Oh, so THAT'S what the problem is. Yeah, I'll do that. I'm sure that will cause my ovary to regrow and generate new eggs.  Honey, let's go on vacation...again.

• "Maybe it's because you are not ready."  I'm 42 years old and have tried to conceive for the last 10+ years of my life. I've been hormonally manipulated, scoped, poked and prodded more times than I can count.  Yep. You're right. I'm just not ready....I'm having too much fun with infertility treatments.  

• "You will get pregnant one day." Yeah, my Mom told me in 5th grade (when I was already getting hips, a tummy, and didn't need a training bra) that one day I'd appreciate my curves.     She didn't tell me WHAT day though.  I'm still waiting. 

• "Maybe it's nature's way of telling you that you're not meant to be a mom." You think that's really it??  Come on people, didn't your mother teach you how to be considerate of others' feelings?  Guess not, because then no one would say this or the next one.

• "Just adopt.  THEN you'll get pregnant."   This is perhaps the most painful one I've heard.  Do you really think adoption is a treatment for infertility?   So if you say this to someone who is pregnancy-challenged and then get the ever-living crap slapped out of you....don't say I didn't warn you. 

Surely my friend didn't realize how hurtful her innocent "advice" to me was.  I politely smiled and replied that I wouldn't waste any time thinking of her tidbit.  I think she thought I was paying her a compliment.  I wasn't. 

When you find yourself tempted to offer advice to someone who you know is trying to conceive, please take mine - first consider how some of these types of well-intended statements may come across.  I don't know what Dear Abby would advise, and Emily Post would probably recommend that such issues are private and shouldn't be discussed the the first place.  


What your fertility challenged friend wants to hear is that you care and that your thoughts, prayers and best wishes are with her.  Tell her to keep you informed of any prayer requests and that you'll be part of her cheerleading squad to encourage her along the way. 


Each day I am encouraged and reminded by my friends and family who read this blog that I am being lifted up in their prayers and that they are cheering for me and #1.  To all of you who read this - please know that I am sincerely appreciative of your prayers and encouragement.  It's still going to be a little while before I know if it worked, so until then - keep up with those prayers and cheers! 

No Stress & Legs Up!

"No stress & legs up!"   By far the most common bit of advice I've received from many pregnant, recently pregnant and have been pregnant friends and family.  In fact, my brother said I needed one of these things to the right - an inversion table.  Uhm...that might be taking it a little too far, but it might work!      

While in the procedure room during the embryo transfer, which took less than 15 minutes total, I thought to ask my doctor about the "legs up" advice.  He said that once the embryo was in place, it wasn't going to just fall out.  But I was thinking he hadn't heard me coughing lately which feels like my whole uterus is going to fall out. 



I think this qualifies as legs up!

So I figured that I'd give the "legs up" advice a try.   I don't think there's any science behind the "legs up" advice other than this - if your legs are up, that means you can't be up running around doing laundry, cooking dinner, going to work, shopping, exercising, or any of those types of things that might bounce your uterus around a bit.  As a Behavioral Scientist, this appeals to me.  Actually, the whole - lay in bed for a few days and have someone else do everything else for you - is quite nice.  I'm blessed that I have Mom here to help me out while my husband enjoys deer hunting.  And when Mom gets exhausted from my keeping up with my feeding schedule (have you ever taken a high dosage of Prednisone?? OMG it makes you crazy hungry!), then my Mother-in-Law has offered to come help. 

Since I haven't posted anything since Monday prior to the embryo transfer, here's how it went.  We arrived about an hour early and waited...and waited...and then waited some more.  My instructions said I needed to have a full bladder (helps ensure the best ultrasound image).  Two hours after needing to pee really badly, I was relieved when they called me back.  Anxious if for no other reason but to be able to pee soon. 

Shortly after changing into my now very familiar garb (with the gown open to the back), along with the booties and hair thingy, and my husband wearing a zip-up painter's jumpsuit, booties and hair thingy - Dr. Griffith came in to review how our eggs had grown and discuss the plan.  Of the 8 eggs retrieved, they all fertilized, but 4 arrested before making it to the 2 cell stage and didn't technically "count" and, 3 others grew but weren't where they really needed to be. However #1 (they number each fertilized egg) was good.  It didn't make it to the blastocyst stage as hoped by day 5 post retrieval, but it was still good-looking.  He compared it to a baby which should be walking at 9 months and doesn't walk until 12 months.  He advised that we only transfer the 1 good one since transferring the other 3 less than good ones could increase inflammation and hinder #1's growth.  (End of embryology lesson). 

I have to admit - I was really disappointed. I wanted 4 perfect blastocysts to select from. I wanted the option of transferring 1 or 2 now and save the others for another time.  Afterwards, we proceeded to the very sterile procedure room.  Dr. Griffith, the embryologist, and the super awesome nurse, Susan, all were ready to go.  Susan, obviously a Christian, gave me the encouragement I needed at that time.  They all quickly went to work.  As the embryologist placed the ultrasound wand (with the warmed jelly which I was grateful for) directly on my stomach over my bladder and pressed down, I thought I was going to explode!  In the ultrasound monitor, all that you could see was my very full bladder.  "Good job, Kelly", they all said as though I had won a prize.  Yay me, I thought.  

The doctor did a practice run first with an empty catheter to be able to see exactly where he wanted to place the embryo.  Then he did the same thing again, but this time, with the loaded catheter.  We could see on the monitor exactly what was happening.  Both the doctor and embryologist seemed very pleased with the placement of #1 and said that they had seen many, many embryos of this same quality have positive outcomes.  So we're hopeful.

As the procedure was ending, I asked the doctor how Donor #604 was doing.  He looked up from what he was doing with an almost shocked look upon his face.  He said that in all of his years of doing this, that no one had ever asked about the donor's well-being.  The embryologist and the nurse both agreed - they'd never been asked that either.  I was relieved to know that she was doing well.  Later, as I reflected on this, I guess it was due to my own experience of having a botched egg retrieval that made me ask.  I'd hate for someone to ever go through what I did.  Note to anyone contemplating IVF:  ask your doctor what his/her stats are regarding botched egg retrievals.  All the consent forms you'll sign will tell you that it's extremely rare and highly unlikely...but me and my one ovary are proof otherwise. 

I am thankful to God for #1.  While we didn't have the number of embryos we had wanted to select from, I can't dwell on that.  I am joyful and hopeful that #1 will be all it takes. It does only take one - and we've got #1.  For those who (not unlike myself) would rejoice with the news that I'm pregnant with twins - it's still very possible.  One egg can split and became identical twins...so Christina, keep praying!   

My Dad has always said I was his #1 - is it because I was born 7 years earlier than my brother?  Perhaps. Or maybe he loves me the most. Yeah...that's probably it.  Just kidding, Randall.  But THIS #1 will truly redefine what being #1 means.

So for my cheerleaders and fans out there  - keep praying that #1 continues to grow and implant.  Today #1 should be busy trying to hatch out of its shell and attach to my uterus. Implantation should begin soon.  I've got the perfect place waiting for it to nestle into. 

Grow #1!

Grow #1!

Grow #1!



My dog is good at bed rest.

In the meantime, I'm getting really good at this bed rest thing.  It's strict bed rest for three days - only getting up to tend to personal care and sitting up briefly to eat.  I have one more day to go.  Even my dog has taken the bed rest order seriously.  Good boy.

The next few weeks will be filled with anxiousness.  Soon the early pregnancy symptoms will set-in (if it works) which unfortunately mimics PMS.  The way I see it - I'll be imaging things one way or the other.  I guess that's when the real crazies will kick-in - even more!  Any advice?

A Showdown at High Noon

High Noon.  The time reserved for magnificent showdowns on dusty roads outside of empty saloons - or at least that's what most westerns would have you believe.  It's also the time for many Saturday college football games where battles between arch rivals take place.  And for many people everywhere, noon represents lunchtime.  Yes - very important things happen at High Noon.  

TODAY at High Noon an important showdown of another kind will be taking place. Today my personal showdown against infertility will take place.  Fortunately it's not on a dusty road or on the grid iron of the football field - and certainly NOT on the megatron for all to see.  As my Dad asked, "this isn't a viewing occasion...is it"?  No Dad.  I'm pretty sure it's not. 

The showdown will take place in Houston, I have a fabulous Reproductive Endocrinologist whom I have 100% confidence in.  And he has an excellent team of nurses and embryologists. But I have a secret weapon - #604.  And Team #604/Kelly & Michael (last name withheld on this blog) are ready for the showdown that awaits us.


Hopefully today will be the last day that I ever have to say that I'm infertile.  After the procedure today, I'll have three days of strict bed rest - which Mom is here to help enforce.  After the full-day of shopping I did yesterday - wearing some super cute shoes - my feet will need three days to recover.


Pray for 4 perfect blastocysts for us to select from.   Pray that my uterus welcomes the embryo(s) and continues to prepare a the perfect place for it/them to grow. 


I am wonderfully encouraged by all the love, support, prayers, well-wishes and cheers that I've received from everyone.  I can tell that people from not only the US, but also people in Russia, Latvia, The Netherlands, and Germany are reading this blog.   I can't tell anything else, except that.  I've heard that some haven't been able to post comments - the only thing I can figure is that you may need a Google account, which you can easily create for free.  If you've tried to post something and wasn't able to, please try again. Comments are moderated and as long as they are appropriate, they will get posted. 


It's time - again - for that perfect cheer!  A dear friend shared this with me just before the egg retrieval - it's still appropriate:

604! 604!

We are here to cheer some more!

We are praying to the core!

We just know that you will soar!

604! 604!

Anticipation....It's Making Me Wait

An earworm crawled into my ear last night leaving the chorus of a popular 70's song by Carly Simon stuck in my head as though it were a vinyl record that was stuck compulsively repeating the same few words - Anticipation...... 

Practically every few minutes throughout today I checked my phone to see if I had missed any calls.  I was waiting on a very important call.  Anticipation....it's keepin' me waitin'. 

A good quality egg from a 32  year old

Tuesday was egg retrieval day for #604.  Today I was waiting on the call to tell us how many eggs were retrieved and how many fertilized. 

1:00 - no call.  2:00 - no call, 3:00 - no call.  It was then that I started to worry a little.  So when the nurse called me at 4:16, I stared at the phone as though I didn't know how to answer it.

The earworm must have brought a friend to it's dance party -the Whatif.  If you don't know what a Whatif is, one of my favorite poets - Shel Silverstein - can tell you. Here's how his poem starts; however I rewrote the end of it to be more fitting of my what ifs today....

Last night, while I lay thinking here,
Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
And pranced and partied all night long
And sang their same old Whatif song....

What if the news was bad? 

What if no mature eggs were had? 

What if no eggs became fertilized? 

Or the embryologist became paralyzed

and fumbled my eggs upon the floor

Leaving none for us to use anymore?

What if the eggs got all mixed up

and switched with someone else's cup?

What if the donor changed her mind

leaving us in a bind?

And just before the Whatifs busted a rhyme, I answered the phone.  Anticipation.....

I'm happy to report that Team #604/Hirsch now has 4 happy zygotes (fertilized eggs).  You've seen ultrasound photos of babies, well - here's a photo of a zygote on day 1 (though not ours):

Eight eggs were retrieved, but only 4 were mature eggs and fertilized.  So....now the 4 zygotes will hopefully grow in their petri dishes for a few more days.

Here are a few photos of what the egg will look like over the next few days:

 

A perfect Day 3 embryo



A Day 4 Morula

Here's what we want on Day 5 (Monday):

On Monday, my doctor will look at the embryos and determine whether we have good quality ones or okay quality.  If they all look like perfect Day 5 blastocysts, then he'll transfer only 1.  However if they are only okay quality, then he'll transfer 2.  Any other embryos that are well-developed but not used will be frozen for future use.


So class, that wraps up our embryology lesson for the day.  Your assignment is to keep praying and cheering for the growing embryos. We want perfect blastocysts. 


And now for 4 more days of waiting.  Perhaps my theme song should be Anticipation.  I sure hope this earworm finds a new home tonight.  Or at least give me a better song tomorrow.  Here's to hoping!

A Hunting We Will Go....

Have you ever noticed how men are attracted to big racks? You know the ones that are so huge that you think the poor thing with them is going to just topple over like a weeble-wobble.  I mean seriously...my husband will practically break his neck to get a better look at the big rack he thought he saw crossing the street or grazing in the yard.    What???  I'm talking about DEER.... what did you think I was talking about??  Tsk. Tsk. Tsk....

My husband is an avid deer hunter.  By avid, I mean he lives to deer hunt.  Starting around August he starts planning for all things hunting...purchase of new hunting gear, deer corn, deer stands, when to plow up the food plots and when to plant seed.  Then until opening day of deer season - which is usually the first weekend in November - he dreams of great big racks.  Which, if a that's the worst vice my husband has, then I guess it's not too bad.  That's what my beautiful Grandmother Dorothy reminded me the other day as I whined a little bit about Michael's upcoming hunting sabbatical.  

  

So what does hunting have to do with infertility?  Nothing really, except that I managed to get a laugh out of my husband last night on the eve of his big day.  While #604 and I are the lead characters in this novel, Michael does have a very important supporting role.  Originally we thought that "collection" was going to have to occur at home, and that I would be the courier.  When the nurse told me that - visions of hilarity flashed through my head.  I could just imagine the conversation I'd have with the the police officer as I would be pulled over for speeding trying to get the "collection" to the clinic on time (within an hour).  Fortunately, we didn't have to go that route, but none-the-less, today was the day to - for a lack of a more delicate way to say it - fire.  So - like a good wife who wanted to encourage her hubby to do a good job, I bought him some reading materials.  I even wrapped them in brown wrapping paper (and tied it with a camo bow). 

But perhaps the funniest thing was the articles.  Isn't that why men buy those magazines anyway?  For the articles??  

Check out the main story....sort of appropriate for the moment at hand (pardon the pun). 

Then I noticed one of the sub-stories...about late breeders.  I almost felt like they were writing about us!

Today was a big hunting day of sorts.  Michael's boys went egg hunting.  We will find out tomorrow how many fertilized.  Hopefully all of them did!  I am grateful for ALL the prayers and well wishes. Please keep them coming!  These next few days are critical for the development of the eggs.  

Continue to pray for #604 - that she's in minimal pain following surgery today and for the eggs that are now well on their way to fertilization.  I should get a call tomorrow afternoon with the fertilization report.  My big day is Monday.  That's when they'll transfer the embryo (actually it'll be technically a blastocyst still) into my uterus. 

Until then, I'm on a daily regimen of estrogen and progesterone injections - 1 cc in the butt.  Ouch.  The progesterone is mixed in oil so it looks like something you'd use to saute onions and mushrooms in.  But I don't think it would be nearly as tasty.  I'm thankful that my husband and sister-in-law are expert marksmen when it comes to giving injections.  And let this serve as a warning - whomever I'm with around 8:00pm every night for the next (hopefully three) month(s) will be asked to step up to the firing line to assist. 

And as for my husband, he's ready for Opening Day of the 2011 Hunting Season.  He dodged a bullet with the dates of the egg retrieval and embryo transfer....either of them could have been this weekend.  I'm glad they weren't, because I know how much he enjoys watching those big racks!   And after dealing with my hormonalness (HA!  This word spell-checked as "manliness.") this last month - he deserves it. 

It's Time for the Perfect Cheer!

Okay – so yesterday was Halloween – a day celebrated by fantasy, chocolate, candy and sugar in general.  It should be my type of day, shouldn’t it?   So while most families were preparing cute, adorable costumes for their precious little ones, I had to find something else to do with my time. I resisted the urge to dress up my Standard Poodle (who is way overdue for a grooming) as Mr. Snuffalufagus from olden days of Sesame Street.   Instead, I drowned my desire for such fun times in – what else?  Chocolate.  Dipped in more chocolate.  And then decorated like spiders.  Yeah...spiders. 

Fortunately the people I work with love to eat as much as I love to bake.  Most who start working in my division have gained weight over the years since– some actually blame me!  I can’t help that the only thing I learned to make in home economics before the high school burned down (not due to my cooking!) was desserts.  So I have a sweet-tooth…a mouthful of them, in fact.    At least I share.  (Sometimes maybe I share too much...)

And it was while rolling some 15 dozen Peanut Butter Bon Bons last night for the Junior League Holiday Market approaching this weekend, I thought more about sharing and how thankful I was that I learned to share.  One reason I'm thankful I learned to share is that the thought of keeping 15 dozen of these things at my house was horrid.  

I’m thankful that #604 learned to share.  Because she’s is sharing something so personal with me – someone she doesn’t even know.  Tomorrow morning, around 7:00, #604 will go into surgery to have many of her precious follicles (that contain eggs) that she’s been growing for the last several weeks removed.  Then the eggs will be fertilized and left to incubate in petri dishes.  I’ll get a call on Thursday to tell me how many fertilized and are growing.  I AM SO EXCITED!!!! 

For those who pray – please pray specifically for #604 tomorrow morning.  Pray that her surgery goes well and that she is in minimal pain afterwards.  Pray for the doctors and embryologists involved to retrieve all the mature follicles without harming them and prepare the eggs within them for fertilization.  Pray that fertilization occurs in all the eggs so that we’ll have at least 1 embryo for transfer to me next Monday morning.  Did I mention how EXCITED I AM?? 

For those who are cheering Team #604/Hirsch – it’s time for that perfect cheer! 

Wait for It.....

Patience.....noun \ˈpā-shən(t)s\  [insert a long, pregnant pause here]  
I feel like I've waited all day to take medicine.  At 8:00am I took the first estrogen dose, at 11:00am the cough suppressant (I've got bronchitis), at 1:00pm the antibiotic, at 4:00pm the second dose of estrogen, at 8:00pm the injection, at 11:00pm the third dose of estrogen and before bed - another cough suppressant. 

Patience is something that I always feel I need more of.  And did I mention that I NEED IT NOW!?!?    Surely I'm not the most impatient person in the world.  Or am I?  I'm not that rude, impatient person who screams when you don't jump when they want you to. And likely you'll never hear my extended vocabulary that I extend to slow drivers who have nowhere to be this week yet are already on the road to get there. Nor will you see the frustration on my face as I wait in the "express lane" behind that person with 16 items in their basket.  I don't care that no one was waiting behind you when you so rudely got in line with your 16 items. The sign CLEARLY states 15 items or less!!!  ARGH!!!  Hurry UP already because I need to hurry up and wait...


Patience.  I certainly could use more of it.  I'm not the first to write about patience, and without a doubt I'm the least qualified.  Patience is a virtue. Patience concentrated is endurance.  Slow and steady wins the race (well, that was about patience), and even the New Testament mentions patience 33 times. As I studied the topic, I noticed the word "longsuffering" was used 17 times in the Bible.  So I thought about that a little more today.

Longsuffering.... by definition, longsuffering is patient endurance of pain or unhappiness.  Yep.  Longsuffering describes infertility.  Years and years of waiting - often coupled with the disappointment of yet another failed intrauterine insemination (IUI) or in-vitro fertilization (IVF) cycle.  Not to mention the savings that you watch go down the drain with each cycle.  And of course, there's also a different type of  "weight"-ing that occurs following the multiple rounds of hormones we endure.  Before all my infertility treatments, I was 3 sizes smaller than my current size.  Talk about longsuffering.

Let me put it into perspective for those who are not fertility-challenged. When a couple wants to and is actively trying to get pregnant, there's not much waiting involved - other than waiting to do it again and waiting to see if the stick you peed on is positive. But when you're dealing with infertility, a cycle of waiting begins....which ultimately concludes with waiting for the sobbing to stop because after ALL that you went through - you're not pregnant this month.

God answers prayers.  This comes as no surprise to me, but I had an epiphany recently.  Could it be that my infertility is actually God answering my prayers for patience (usually in the context of dealing with stressful moments or people) by requiring me to wait to become a mom?  And in doing so, He's allowed me to better develop a fruit of the spirit attribute?  Perhaps. 

#604 (read previous posts for reference) is patient.  She's having to take a lot more hormones that I have. I am thankful for her patience. And kindness. And Goodness.  She's a whole Fruit of the Spirit orchard in my book!  Please continue to keep #604 in your prayers - and me too.  I need my bronchitis to clear up before next Monday (projected embryo transfer date). 

Patience and longsuffering.  It WILL all be worth it.  This I know.  God promises in Jeremiah 29:11 -"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Thanks Ginny (from FB) for this reminder. 

Dusting off the Pom Poms!

Following my third ultrasound/bloodwork appointment of the week, I shared with the nurses that I have a whole squad (think cheerleaders) of people praying and cheering for me and donor #604.  Literally, I do.   I decided to rip the bandaid of anonymity off and share my journey with all my FaceBook friends.  I thought a few of my closest friends and family members would read it and a couple would comment. How was I to know that I'd receive all the comments that I did?  Not to mention that I was a bit surprised that so few knew of the journey I've been on for so many years.  Surely I told my story 100s of times...but apparently it was only to about 4 people.  (To those few people who have listened time and time again ....thank you for listening, and I'm sorry).


Incredibly encouraged am I that so many  people are cheering for us - for not just me, but the doctors, nurses, my husband who is counting the days until deer season starts and for #604!  In fact, one friend (who was the former head cheerleader in high school some 20+ years ago) shared with me that she was ready to go, had her pom poms dusted off and had pulled her old cheerleader skirt up over the one thigh it would now fit over and was covering us all in prayers and was cheering us on.  I practically peed myself picturing this friend doing that.  (Lori - if you are ready this - I laughed so hard!  Thank you!!)  


So grab your megaphone and pom poms (I think Mom told me mine melted in the attic some years ago...) and join me in this cheer for #604 -


Two! Four! Six!  Eight!
Who do we appreciate??
604!  604! 604! 
Yay 604!!!


In all seriousness though, when I told the nurses about how I wished I could let #604 know how much I appreciated her, one nurse shared that she had met #604 and that she and I were a perfect match.  She said she looked a lot like me and had a similar bubbly personality.  I nearly did backflips out the clinic door!  Woo hoo!  Not only is my lining perfect (see previous post) but the donor and I are a perfect match!  I'm pretty good at finding things I want on the internet - first my husband (match.com) and now an egg donor. 

It won't be long now!  #604 is progressing nicely and I should find out today when her egg retrieval will be which will predicate when my embryo transfer will happen.   My uterus is perfect according to the nurse  and thickening just as it should be.  I love knowing that my body is making the perfect home for this blessing.


Keep up the cheers and the prayers! 

My Scary Halloween "Costume"

Infertility treatments are not for the shy.  I said that in my previous post and while reflecting on this week, I realized how true it was.  Each body system has been poked, peered at, or prodded this week in some way or another.  If it wasn't, then it got lucky.  Infertility treatments can cause a healthy woman to become a little left of plumb (as my college pathophysiology professor, Dr. Elledge, would say). That's a nice way of saying - go crazy.  But in all fairness, taking a medication normally used to treat prostate cancer to suppress my ovulation and then taking a dose of estrogen which could treat an elephant's hot flashes on top of weaning myself off caffeine - how can I not tilt a little left of plumb? 


It's appropriate that Halloween is around the corner.  I need help deciding on what I should be for Halloween because I have two "great" [wish I had a sarcasm font here] choices:


After the week I've had, I could go as TAM -the Transparent Anatomical Mannikin from years gone by...you know, that see-through mannikin we've all stared at in some museum at some time during our childhood; pressing various buttons to see body parts light up and hear a factual message about that organ.  In this last week, I'm fairly certain that practically every button on my body has been pushed. [Males reading this - get your mind out of the gutter!]


Here' why I say that - last Saturday the heart button was pushed and it dispersed a nice EKG reading for the ER doc to read. Four times this week the vein in my right arm button was pushed and blood was dispersed to check my various hormone and blood component levels.  I've seen my uterus three times this week (as has four nurses and the doctor) and am happy to report my lining is "perfect."  The lungs button was pushed today and is dispersed stuff we won't even talk about.  The nose and ears and throat were all peered in as well.  And with each button that was pushed by the various button pushers, was followed by some note taking and head bobbing.  And only a few times the head bobber was actively listening to me.


I hardly feel like a real person this week.  Instead, I'm whatever patient ID # is on my medical records at the 3 medical facilities I've been to - or the patient ID at any of the three pharmacies with which I've filled various prescriptions.  So perhaps I should be an ID # - it would be a very easy costume to make.  Have we become a society of people only able to treat people as numbers because we've become so damn afraid to disclosure something as personal as our name??? 


So - back to my original dilemma - should I go as TAM, the Transparent Anatomical Mannikin? Or an ID #?   

Eat. Pray. Laugh. - My Journey through Infertility

Before you say anything, I know the name of this blog sounds like a best-selling novel or movie starring Julia Roberts. And perhaps, if it's written well-enough it will become that.  Since Valerie Bertineli and I resemble each other (a lot), she could play me. (Valerie have your people call my people).  Anyway....the novel you're thinking of is Eat. Pray. LOVE.  But after thinking of all that I've been through over the last nearly 6 years of fertility testing, infertility diagnosis, surgeries to help infertility, infertility treatments, infertility acupuncture, surgery to remove my one good ovary that the last doctor destroyed, more tears than one person could possibly cry in a lifetime, more time, more tests, more treatments, TONS of hormones mostly given as shots to myself (after the first 3 IVF rounds I had given or had given to me about 150 injections), and a small fortune all in the hopes of getting pregnant...well, there was nothing I loved about any of that. So - I replaced LOVE with LAUGH...because without laughter at moments throughout this whole journey, I'm not sure I would've made it through. After all, you can only cry so much and we don't have flood insurance, so the sobbing had to stop after a while. 



For the last month and a half, I've been hormonally manipulated, scoped, poked and prodded more than something that gets scoped, poked and prodded a lot. I can't think of any funny analogy to use here, so if you have one...let me know. Fertility treatments are not for the faint-hearted. Or for the shy. Since I started just this round of IVF, I've lost count of the number of people who have seen my lady parts.  My vajay-jay, my hoo ha.  Not just the doctor (who happens to be a dead ringer for my high school boyfriend KRB...talk about awkard), but also the 10 or so nurses, the ultrasonographers, the interns, and who knows who was watching during my hysteroscopy last month! Fertility treatments are NOT for the shy. After going through IVF treatment three other times, plus practically every two to three days for the last month, on a recent visit to the ER this weekend (MOM - I AM FINE), I hardly noticed I was walking down the hall with the gown wide open in the back. I just thought it was really cold in there. With my jacked-up hormones, my body doesn't know if it is at the North Pole or having it's own personal summer (borrowed from my sister-in-law).  


To be clear - there's nothing funny about infertility.  But you can't help but laugh at some of the stuff you go through.  One good thing is that I can, for at least a short period of time, chalk up some behavior that's not typical of me as "the hormones."   Wonder how long I can use that excuse??  On the the next topic of this blog....


Eat.  While this isn't the focus of this blog, because it's in the title of it - I feel compelled to give it a shout-out.  Food is often what brings my family to the table (figuratively and literally).  I come from a family of great cooks, and I love to cook.  I am blessed with a husband who is not a picky eater and who is a master at the grill and holds his own with anything else he cooks. I love when I come home on days he's off and he's got a healthy, delicious dinner prepared for me (and cleans the kitchen along the way).  We actually met at a local Mexican food restaurant and will probably eat there for our 5th anniversary this week.  Sharing meals with and baking for those I love is something I love to do. The holiday season is where I usually go crazy with the baking, but this holiday season may bring about a different type of bun in the oven.  It's likely that foods I make or eat somewhere else will show up on the way in this blog.   For example, this weekend I have to make a bazillion peanut butter bon bons for the Junior League's Holiday Market which is next weekend.  I've never made these bon bons so it looks like The Mistakery Bakery will be open late hours....

Pray.  Quite simply, I need your prayers. Next week(-ish) Michael & I will be doing our 4th in vitro fertilization (IVF) procedure. The previous three IVFs all failed due to my egg quality.  And due to the fact that with the 3rd IVF procedure the doctor retrieved my eggs with what I think was a crow bar which resulted in a life-threatening abdominal blood clot (and subsequent ovary removal), I have no good eggs left. I couldn't put all my eggs in one basket if I COULD find them because there are none. This said, I am using an egg donor. [Gasp]. Yes, after looking through pages of potential egg donors, I selected one that looks practically identical to me: gorgeous, young, 5'9", blond hair, blue eyes.... [I'm 42, 5'3" on a good day, brunette, brown eyes].  Actually she does favor me to a great extent and has a similar personality based on a few questions she answered.  


Her donor # is 604. When I think of her as #604, I can't help but insert an imaginary tag in her ear like our cows have. #604 is anonymous to me and has been screened for psych issues, infectious disease, certain genetic conditions, etc. In fact, she's probably more sane that I am after under-going three freaking rounds of IVF!   All those hormones tend to do a number on you.  Anyway, back to #604 - she has children of her own and is 26. She is really beautiful and petite.  I know little else about #604 except her medical history. However, I have an amazingly good feeling about this donor.  I wish I could let her know that there are a lot of people praying for her.  I had to sign a waiver that I wouldn't try to find out who she was, but if anyone out there reading this is donor #604 with Houston Fertility Institute - thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your eggs. 


The way is works essentially is that #604 will take a lot of hormones to cause her body to produce a lot of eggs. Soon, her eggs will be retrieved from her body (by a different no-crowbar weilding doctor) where they will then be fertilized in the lab using Michael's sperm. After 5 days, the best 1-2 embryos will be transferred to my uterus. And then we wait....for a long several weeks to see if it worked. During that time, I'll closely watch for every possible sign and symptom of early pregnancy. I'll watch the my body like it's never been watched (at least not in this past decade) to see if I detect any minute changes.  I'll worry about twinges of cramping that I'll surely feel and in fact, I'll probably imagine some symptoms. It's probably a good thing that Michael will be deer hunting a lot during this time as I'll still be very hormonally jacked-up and basically a nut. 


As a Christian, I am a firm believer in the power of prayer. As a behavioral scientist, I read a lot of studies - multiple studies have examined the effect of prayer on IVF treatment - specifically involving the embryo transfer part (which is what I'm having done). Many of these studies have shown statistically significant differences for the effect of prayer on the outcome of IVF-embryo transfer (50% positive outcome vs. 26% - which is really good) For my fellow statistic geeks p=.0013.  This number basically means that it wasn't a fluke.  


So - if you pray, please specifically thank God for the doctors and for the technology to enable infertile couples to fulfill lifelong dreams of having a family, and for the donors who share a very personal part of themselves with someone they'll never know. Pray for #604 to produce an adequate number of good quality eggs that become fertilized. Pray for Michael - he's had to deal with a very hormonal me for a while and has been a huge support to me. And lastly - pray for me. Ask that my body be prepared for the receipt of a precious embryo and that it is able to provide it with the perfect home to grow. I don't know the exact date of the procedure yet, but it looks like it will be the end of next week.


I feel very confident that this will work this time. At least I really really really hope it does. Maybe I should change the name of this blog to Eat. Pray. Hope. After all, I've held on to hope for so long that I fear I may get rope burn.  But I have this crazy confidence this time- like the glass is full and overflowing confidence (and I'm not usually an optimist) - that it WILL work.  I have #604.  And we have a ton of friends and family praying for us.   If you're still reading this blog, I hope that you'll join the prayer chain and pray for #604, the doctors, and my uterus.